Late Night Laughs

AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE

President Trump last night made his first visit to Manhattan since his inauguration. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton visited three Manhattans and a Bud Light. — Seth Meyers

Well, President Trump arrived in New York last night and actually slept in Trump Tower. Yeah, when Trump asked for a wake- up call, they just showed him his poll numbers. — Jimmy Fallon

In his press conference, President Trump referred to the neo- Nazis as “history buffs.” Then he referred to serial killers as “population control experts.” — Conan O’Brien

Apparently, Trump went off script and improvised all of these remarks during a press conference about infrastructure, which is terrible because I’m pretty sure the first rule of infrastructure is whatever you do, don’t burn bridges. — James Corden

Last night, the city of Baltimore removed four statues of Confederate heroes. Or, as Fox News reported it, “Baltimore liberals force pigeons from their homes.” — Conan O’Brien

Today Donald Trump completely disbanded his manufacturing council after eight members quit in 48 hours. … The CEOs of Intel and Under Armour both resigned. Which means, somehow, Donald Trump figured out a way to lose the nerds and the jocks at the same time. — James Corden

The CEO of the company 3M also resigned, and when Donald Trump asked why, they said that 3M doesn’t want to be associated with three K’s. — James Corden

Axios today published a list of groups that President Trump has alienated during his first seven months of office. And now the world is out of paper. — Seth Meyers

This morning, on Twitter, Donald Trump complained about Confederate statues being taken down, saying that our country is being ripped apart by the removal of these beautiful Confederate monuments. “Beautiful Confederate monuments” — or as pigeons call them, “toilets.” — James Corden

Speaking of statues, did you see this today? The president tweeted that removing Confederate statues takes beauty out of our parks that can never be replaced. Then he said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cut down a bunch of trees to build a hotel and golf course.” — Jimmy Fallon

When asked yesterday about his confidence in chief adviser and accused white nationalist Steve Bannon, President Trump said, “We’ll see what happens.” This is how much Trump cares about ratings — he ended a press conference on a cliffhanger. “Will Steve Bannon lose his job? Will Mike Pence and his wife finally go all the way? Find out tomorrow on ‘As the World Burns’!” — Seth Meyers