Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCH LINES -

Gar­ri­son Keil­lor no longer hosts “A Prairie Home Com­pan­ion,” but they’re still com­pil­ing jokes from lis­ten­ers at www. pub­l­i­cra­dio.org. Here are a few in honor of his years of ser­vice to the long-run­ning pro­gram as he brings his new stage show, “Prairie Home Love & Com­edy Tour,” to the Tivoli Theatre on Satur­day (see story on Page H20).

The name game

What’s a good name for a re­tired artist? Drew.

What’s a good name for a lion tamer? Claude.

What’s a good name for a re­tired back- hoe op­er­a­tor? Doug.

What do you call a cave­man who wan­ders aim­lessly? Me­an­derthal.

What do you call a camel with­out any humps? Humphrey.

Man to woman on el­e­va­tor: “You look like He­len Green.”

She replies, “I don’t look so good in red ei­ther. What’s it to you any­way?”

I worked my way through college box­ing. They used to call me “The Artist.” Be­cause I spent so much time on the can­vas.

When is a belly­but­ton like a car? When it is an Audi.

Did you hear about the reck­less driver?

He drove his ex­pen­sive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Where do jel­ly­fish come from? Ocean cur­rants.

What do you call a blonde skele­ton in a closet?

The win­ner of l ast year’s hide­and-go- seek con­test!

What do you give a man who has ev­ery­thing? Peni­cillin.

I re­solved to lose 20 pounds by the end of the year. Only 30 pounds to go.

I opened a tub of mar­garine and there, in the mar­garine, was the face of Je­sus. I took it around to my neigh­bor, Mr. Kazamoto, who shook his head and said, “I can’t be­lieve it’s not Bud­dha.”

Wood psy­chic

My friend can tell what wood a bar top is made of, just by touch­ing it.

He’s what we call counter in­tu­itive.

Sick as a dog

“Mom, mom!” “What is it, Timmy?” “Lassie ate all of the can­taloupes in your gar­den!” “Oh, no! Is she sick?” “No, but she’s a lit­tle melan­choly.”

Change of mind

This fel­low has been ship­wrecked alone on a de­serted island for decades. Fi­nally res­cued by a pass­ing ship, the ship’s cap­tain tells him to get any­thing he wants to take with him and says he’ll walk with the man, as he wants to see where the man lived alone.

They pass var­i­ous huts, and the man tells the cap­tain that that is where he slept, that is where he cooked, that is where he kept his sup­plies, etc. They f in­ally Lisa Den­ton come to two well­built struc­tures.

“What did you do in that one?” asks the cap­tain.

“Oh, says the man with pride, “That’s the church I built. I lost track of what day was Sun­day, but I prayed there once a week.”

“Well, it looks iden­ti­cal to that other build­ing over there,” says the cap­tain. “What’s that other build­ing for?”

“Oh, that,” says the man with a sneer, “that’s the church I used to go to.”

Worst pickup line

A guy walks into a bar and sees an at­trac­tive woman sit­ting alone.

He a s ks, “Out­side? Un­der? Around? Over?

The woman gives him a cool look and asks, “Are you try­ing to prepo­si­tion me?”

Badge bad­ger

Po­lice cap­tain: One fi­nal ques­tion, be­fore we give you your badge. Re­cruit: Yes, sir? Po­lice cap­tain: What would you do if you were re­quired to ar­rest your own mother? Re­cruit: Call for backup, sir!

Why me?

The al­pha­bet has 26 let­ters, right? But when I re­cite it, I only come up with 25. I can’t re­mem­ber why.

I dream of a world where chick­ens can cross roads with­out hav­ing their mo­tives ques­tioned.

What did the grape say when the ele­phant stepped on it?

Noth­ing; it just let out a lit­tle wine.

A man and his wife are tour­ing Egypt.

While look­ing at the pyra­mids, a lo­cal mer­chant calls them over. He of­fers the man 100 camels in ex­change for his wife.

The man takes a few min­utes but ul­ti­mately re­fuses the of­fer, and the two go on their way.

A bit later the man’s wife asks him, “What took you so long to say no?”

The man replies, “I was try­ing to think of a way to bring 100 camels back home!”

Two ex­plor­ers are tromp­ing through the woods in Alaska. They sud­denly come upon a large group of griz­zlies who are growl­ing the same noises to each other, over and over.

“What’s go­ing on there?” says one of the ex­plor­ers.

“I dunno,” says the other one. “Bears re­peat­ing.” Did you hear about the man who was ad­dicted to “Danc­ing With the Stars”? He was forced to en­roll in a two-step pro­gram.

Do you know that if you re­peat­edly say out loud the word “or­ange” very slowly, it be­gins to sound like “naive”?

Men com­plain that women should come with in­struc­tions. As if that would work. When was the last time a man read the in­struc­tions for any­thing?

Q: What do you call a pachy­derm that jumps out of a tree and says, “Boo”?

A: The ele­phant of sur­prise.

How many band direc­tors does it take to change a light bulb?

We don’t know, be­cause no one is watch­ing them.

“So how’s your mother,” I asked a friend.

“Her mind is slowly go­ing, and that’s not sur­pris­ing since she’s been giv­ing ev­ery­one a piece of it for so many years.”

Af­ter con­tin­u­ally be­ing asked, the mother fi­nally de­cided to tell her son the truth about the tooth fairy.

“Maybe it’s time you know,” she said, “I’m the tooth fairy.”

To which the son replied, “Mom, how do you know when all those kids lose a tooth?”

How do you think the un­think­able? Stheer into an ithe­berg.

Two oc­to­ge­nar­i­ans were go­ing in for phys­i­cals be­fore their wed­ding.

Af­ter ex­am­in­ing the bride, the doc­tor tells the groom, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your brideto-be has acute angina.”

The un­fazed groom, smil­ing dis­creetly down- ward, says, “I know. I peeked.”

Two guys ap­plied to work for the CIA. They were told they had to take an IQ test first.

The ex­am­iner told them to write down the fol­low­ing sen­tence: “Old Mac­Don­ald had a farm.”

The two guys were work­ing on this, and one whis­pered to the other: “How do you spell farm?”

The other replied, “E-IE-I-O.”

What do you get when you cross a hen house with a light­house? Bea­con and eggs.

I in­vented a new word: Pla­gia­rism.

Q. How can you tell the dif­fer­ence be­tween an al­li­ga­tor and a croc­o­dile?

A. One will see you later, the other in a while.

Q. What’s an easy way to burn up hun­dreds of calo­ries?

A. Set a bag of potato chips on fire.

Two city slick­ers go hunt­ing for the first time, get lucky and are drag­ging the deer back to car.

A vet­eran hunter cor­rects them, “You’re drag­ging it by the front legs. That’s wrong. You should drag it by the hind legs.”

The city guys thank him and they switch around. Af­ter a few min­utes, one says,” We are do­ing this all wrong.”

“Whadya mean?” says the other.

“We’re get­ting far­ther away from the car.”

Laugh Lines is com­piled from var­i­ous sources, in­clud­ing reader sub­mis­sions and web­sites. Ori­gins are in­cluded when known.

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