Laugh Lines

Garrison Keillor no longer hosts “A Prairie Home Companion,” but they’re still compiling jokes from listeners at www. publicradio.org. Here are a few in honor of his years of service to the long-running program as he brings his new stage show, “Prairie Home Love & Comedy Tour,” to the Tivoli Theatre on Saturday (see story on Page H20).

The name game

What’s a good name for a retired artist? Drew.

What’s a good name for a lion tamer? Claude.

What’s a good name for a retired back- hoe operator? Doug.

What do you call a caveman who wanders aimlessly? Meanderthal.

What do you call a camel without any humps? Humphrey.

Man to woman on elevator: “You look like Helen Green.”

She replies, “I don’t look so good in red either. What’s it to you anyway?”

I worked my way through college boxing. They used to call me “The Artist.” Because I spent so much time on the canvas.

When is a bellybutton like a car? When it is an Audi.

Did you hear about the reckless driver?

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Where do jellyfish come from? Ocean currants.

What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

The winner of l ast year’s hideand-go- seek contest!

What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.

I resolved to lose 20 pounds by the end of the year. Only 30 pounds to go.

I opened a tub of margarine and there, in the margarine, was the face of Jesus. I took it around to my neighbor, Mr. Kazamoto, who shook his head and said, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”

Wood psychic

My friend can tell what wood a bar top is made of, just by touching it.

He’s what we call counter intuitive.

Sick as a dog

“Mom, mom!” “What is it, Timmy?” “Lassie ate all of the cantaloupes in your garden!” “Oh, no! Is she sick?” “No, but she’s a little melancholy.”

Change of mind

This fellow has been shipwrecked alone on a deserted island for decades. Finally rescued by a passing ship, the ship’s captain tells him to get anything he wants to take with him and says he’ll walk with the man, as he wants to see where the man lived alone.

They pass various huts, and the man tells the captain that that is where he slept, that is where he cooked, that is where he kept his supplies, etc. They f inally Lisa Denton come to two wellbuilt structures.

“What did you do in that one?” asks the captain.

“Oh, says the man with pride, “That’s the church I built. I lost track of what day was Sunday, but I prayed there once a week.”

“Well, it looks identical to that other building over there,” says the captain. “What’s that other building for?”

“Oh, that,” says the man with a sneer, “that’s the church I used to go to.”

Worst pickup line

A guy walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting alone.

He a s ks, “Outside? Under? Around? Over?

The woman gives him a cool look and asks, “Are you trying to preposition me?”

Badge badger

Police captain: One final question, before we give you your badge. Recruit: Yes, sir? Police captain: What would you do if you were required to arrest your own mother? Recruit: Call for backup, sir!

Why me?

The alphabet has 26 letters, right? But when I recite it, I only come up with 25. I can’t remember why.

I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing; it just let out a little wine.

A man and his wife are touring Egypt.

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife.

The man takes a few minutes but ultimately refuses the offer, and the two go on their way.

A bit later the man’s wife asks him, “What took you so long to say no?”

The man replies, “I was trying to think of a way to bring 100 camels back home!”

Two explorers are tromping through the woods in Alaska. They suddenly come upon a large group of grizzlies who are growling the same noises to each other, over and over.

“What’s going on there?” says one of the explorers.

“I dunno,” says the other one. “Bears repeating.” Did you hear about the man who was addicted to “Dancing With the Stars”? He was forced to enroll in a two-step program.

Do you know that if you repeatedly say out loud the word “orange” very slowly, it begins to sound like “naive”?

Men complain that women should come with instructions. As if that would work. When was the last time a man read the instructions for anything?

Q: What do you call a pachyderm that jumps out of a tree and says, “Boo”?

A: The elephant of surprise.

How many band directors does it take to change a light bulb?

We don’t know, because no one is watching them.

“So how’s your mother,” I asked a friend.

“Her mind is slowly going, and that’s not surprising since she’s been giving everyone a piece of it for so many years.”

After continually being asked, the mother finally decided to tell her son the truth about the tooth fairy.

“Maybe it’s time you know,” she said, “I’m the tooth fairy.”

To which the son replied, “Mom, how do you know when all those kids lose a tooth?”

How do you think the unthinkable? Stheer into an itheberg.

Two octogenarians were going in for physicals before their wedding.

After examining the bride, the doctor tells the groom, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your brideto-be has acute angina.”

The unfazed groom, smiling discreetly down- ward, says, “I know. I peeked.”

Two guys applied to work for the CIA. They were told they had to take an IQ test first.

The examiner told them to write down the following sentence: “Old MacDonald had a farm.”

The two guys were working on this, and one whispered to the other: “How do you spell farm?”

The other replied, “E-IE-I-O.”

What do you get when you cross a hen house with a lighthouse? Beacon and eggs.

I invented a new word: Plagiarism.

Q. How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

A. One will see you later, the other in a while.

Q. What’s an easy way to burn up hundreds of calories?

A. Set a bag of potato chips on fire.

Two city slickers go hunting for the first time, get lucky and are dragging the deer back to car.

A veteran hunter corrects them, “You’re dragging it by the front legs. That’s wrong. You should drag it by the hind legs.”

The city guys thank him and they switch around. After a few minutes, one says,” We are doing this all wrong.”

“Whadya mean?” says the other.

“We’re getting farther away from the car.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.