Wit and wisdom

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Escalators don’t break down. They just turn into stairs. ›

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing … except when you’re at a funeral. ›

I intend to live forever … or die trying. ›

We never knew he was a drunk … until he showed up to work sober. ›

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ›

A blind man walks into a bar … and a table and a chair. ›

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted? ›

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy on crutches. It’s just lame. ›

I used to be in a band. We were called Lost Dog. You probably saw our posters. ›

I childproofed the house … but they still get in!

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I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that. ›

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate. ›

I have CDO. It’s like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), but the letters are in alphabetical order, like they’re supposed to be.