Wit and wis­dom

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES -

Es­ca­la­tors don’t break down. They just turn into stairs. ›

“I’m sorry” and “I apol­o­gize” mean the same thing … ex­cept when you’re at a fu­neral. ›

I in­tend to live for­ever … or die try­ing. ›

We never knew he was a drunk … un­til he showed up to work sober. ›

A clear con­science is usu­ally the sign of a bad mem­ory. ›

A blind man walks into a bar … and a ta­ble and a chair. ›

At what age is it ap­pro­pri­ate to tell my dog that he’s adopted? ›

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a con­struc­tion joke? Never mind, I’m still work­ing on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy on crutches. It’s just lame. ›

I used to be in a band. We were called Lost Dog. You prob­a­bly saw our posters. ›

I child­proofed the house … but they still get in!

I used to think the brain was the most im­por­tant or­gan. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that. ›

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a mil­lion times: Don’t ex­ag­ger­ate. ›

I have CDO. It’s like OCD (ob­ses­sive com­pul­sive dis­or­der), but the let­ters are in al­pha­bet­i­cal or­der, like they’re sup­posed to be.

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