Laugh Lines

Frosty reception

What Hallmark’s Maxine character has to say about cold weather:

I hate a cold front. Also a cold rear.

It’s so cold my hot flashes are starting to feel kind of good.

It’s so cold I’m shaking as bad as a couple of jelly doughnuts at a Weight Watchers meeting.

People who run (jog) outdoors on freezing days must have some really irritating families at home.

Does shivering count as exercise?

I’m so cold my boobs are chattering.

It’s so cold my teeth were chattering all night — and I wasn’t even wearing them.

The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.

It’s not really cold until the dog’s frozen himself to the hydrant.

Things can get icy this time of year. But stay on my good side and you’ll be OK.

Bible Quiz

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

A: In the “big inning,” Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

A: They were really put out.

Q: What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

A: They really raised Cain.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: Who is the Lisa Denton

greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?

A: David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

A: The thought had never entered his head before.

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany? A: German shepherds. Q: What is the best way to get to paradise?

A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A: Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A: The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?

A: Job 16:12 reads, “I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me.”

Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Door jam

When Susie arrived at the dealership to pick up our car, she was told the keys had been locked in it. She went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As she watched from the passenger side, she instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

“Hey,” she announced to the technician, “it’s open!”

He replied, “I know — I already got that side.”

Chicken a la dud

At long last, the diner is served his entree. But after one bite, he finds it inedible.

He summons the water. “I can’t eat this chicken,” he says. “Call the manager.”

The waiter says, “It’s no use. He can’t eat it either.”

Animal riddles

Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

A: The outside.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie. Q: What kind of disease do you get from kissing birds?

A: Chirpes. It’s one of those canarial diseases. It’s untweetable.

Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs. Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? A: To the retail store. Q: What kind of dog tells time?

A: A watch dog.

IQ you

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $19.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Relationship advice

Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.

If you give her a sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.

Quickie

Have you heard about the new face cream for Jewish women?

It’s called Oil of Oy Vey.