Late Night Laughs: Tonight Show Thank-Yous

Thank you, princess-to- be Meghan Markle, for sounding like a drunk person trying to say Magic Marker.

Thank you, In- N- Out, for being the only restaurant name that tells me what’s going to happen to my burger.

Thank you, gift bags, for basically saying, “Sorry, I don’t consider you wrap-worthy.”

Thank you, ladle, for letting me know what would happen if a spoon slept with a saxophone.

Thank you, hot chocolate, for making regular chocolate feel super insecure about his appearance.

Thank you, the names Rey, Poe, Finn and Kylo, for sounding less like “Star Wars” characters and more like backup Teletubbies.

Thank you, earmuffs, for looking like my Beats By Dre slept with a Wookiee.

Thank you, yoga, for improving your memory, thus helping you remember how much you hate doing yoga.

Thank you, snoring, for letting people be annoying, even when they’re unconscious.

Thank you, hors’ d’oeuvres, for being appetizers that moved to France and got all snooty.

Thank you, take- out restaurants, who put two spoons and two forks in the bag, for being nice enough to assume that all this food I ordered is for two people.

Thank you, yearbooks, for being a great way to remind me of all the ways in which I didn’t get involved.

Thank you, “Talk soon!” for being another way of saying, “Talk never!”

Thank you, people who say, “I really shouldn’t,” for letting me know that you’re about to eat a lot of my fries.