Current events

› Matt Lauer’s wife has reportedly kicked him out of the house. Even worse, she’s replaced him with Hoda. — Conan O’Brien

› China has banned hip-hop from Chinese television, which is bad news for China’s biggest hip-hop star, the Notorious MSG. — Conan O’Brien

› The New England Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl. Did you see this though? It looked like one of the referees was actually celebrating with the Patriots after the game. When asked if the game was rigged, the ref said, [Russian accent] “No, was completely normal game of American football. Heh-heh.” — Jimmy Fallon

› The Baltimore Ravens’ first-round pick was arrested on robbery charges. In other words, he’s going to fit right in. — Conan O’Brien

› Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn daughter Chicago West. That sounds less like a baby and more like something that would air on Thursdays at 10 p.m. on NBC. “Next on ‘Chicago West …’” — Jimmy Fallon

› This morning, Meryl Streep was nominated for an Academy Award. Or as that’s called in Los Angeles, “the first sign of spring.” — Conan O’Brien

› Hollywood awards season is in full bloom as nominations for Academy Awards came out today. There are a lot of familiar faces among the nominees. Meryl Streep is nominated for the 21st time. Denzel Washington was nominated for his ninth Oscar, and I’m not even sure he was in a movie this year. That’s how good he is. — Jimmy Kimmel

› There were some historic nominations too. For the first time ever, a woman was nominated for Best Cinematography. We have the fifth woman and the fifth African-American to be nominated for Best Director, and Kobe Bryant is the tallest person ever nominated for an animated short. — Jimmy Kimmel

› Rum maker Bacardi announced yesterday that it is acquiring Patron Spirits for $5.1 billion. And like most Bacardi announcements, it was shouted at 5 a.m. in the back seat of an Uber. — Seth Meyers

› Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There’s gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE “hold me closer, Tony Danza.” — Jimmy Fallon

› A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night. — Jimmy Fallon

Lisa Denton