Late Night Laughs: Around the White House

Good news for Washington — the government shutdown is over. The bad news for us — our government is back to work. — Conan O’Brien

Good news — it looks like the government shutdown is over. They shut it down, and they started it back up. It’s nice to know Trump’s plan for fixing the government is the same as fixing a Windows computer. “Did you try unplugging it? Wait 10 seconds.” — Jimmy Fallon

Here’s what happened: This afternoon, after intense closed- door negotiations, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal to reopen the government. Well, thank God that’s done and we don’t have to think about it again until… February 8. — Stephen Colbert

In Washington, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal. Kind of a deal, to reopen the government for, well, at least three weeks. The Democrats agreed to fund the government through Feb. 8 in exchange for a promise from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell that they would have a debate and a vote on DACA. In other words, for nothing. — Jimmy Kimmel

The two- day shutdown almost didn’t happen at all because on Friday, Sen. Chuck Schumer met with Trump at the White House and they “came close to a deal over cheeseburgers.” That’s smart — get him all burgered up first. Although, if they’re eating burgers, I think that means they were negotiating in Trump’s bed. — Stephen Colbert

To avoid another shutdown, all that needs to happen is Congress has to agree on how to fix our entire immigration system in 17 days. And once they do that, the pigs that fly will solve world hunger. — Stephen Colbert

This weekend millions of protesters, mostly women, marched in cities across the country on the one-year anniversary of Trump’s presidency. It was really a huge turnout. Even Melania marched, but the Secret Service captured her and returned her to her shoe closet. — Jimmy Kimmel

One thing you can say — Donald Trump got more women to exercise than Michelle Obama ever did. — Jimmy Kimmel

First lady Melania Trump decided not to go on a trip to Switzerland with President Trump, and instead she visited a Holocaust museum. When asked why, Melania said, “It just sounded like more fun.” — Conan O’Brien