Cur­rent events

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES - Laugh Lines is com­piled from var­i­ous sources, in­clud­ing reader sub­mis­sions and web­sites. Ori­gins are in­cluded when known.

In San Diego, a Girl Scout is in trou­ble for sell­ing cook­ies out­side a le­gal weed dis­pen­sary. How­ever, the girl isn’t wor­ried, be­cause she is now worth $200 mil­lion. — Co­nan O’Brien

I read to­day Best Buy and Tar­get are plan­ning to stop sell­ing CDs in their stores. To which I say: Best Buy and Tar­get are still sell­ing CDs? — Jimmy Kim­mel

No CDs start­ing July 1, so mark your cal­en­dars, kids. In five months, you’re fi­nally go­ing to have to ex­plain Spo­tify to your par­ents. — James Cor­den

Peo­ple are still ex­cited about the Philadel­phia Ea­gles win­ning their first Su­per Bowl! And did you know this? I read that Ea­gles coach Doug Ped­er­son was coach­ing high school foot­ball just 10 years ago. Which sounds crazy, un­til you re­mem­ber that just FIVE years ago, our pres­i­dent was fir­ing Clay Aiken from a TV show. — Jimmy Fal­lon

But what a game! The Ea­gles won their first Su­per Bowl ever, top­pling Tom Brady and the New Eng­land Pa­tri­ots. They said Tom Brady was so dis­traught af­ter the game, he chugged a quart of al­mond milk and ate half a grape. — Jimmy Kim­mel

As is al­ways the case, there’s a lot of fo­cus on the com­mer­cials at the Su­per Bowl. I learned a lot from the com­mer­cials yes­ter­day. For in­stance, I had no idea Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream to sell light-duty trucks. — Jimmy Kim­mel

A lot of peo­ple were up­set last night that the voice of Dr. King was used to sell trucks. Mat­tresses, yes. You can buy a Serta Per­fect Sleeper on MLK Day, no prob­lem at all ev­ery year. But Dodge Ram trucks, no. They say it was the most po­lar­iz­ing Su­per Bowl ad since the Men’s Wear­house “buy one, get one free at last” deal back in 1998. — Jimmy Kim­mel

Now, usu­ally the pres­i­dent will call and con­grat­u­late the win­ners [of the Su­per Bowl]. But break­ing with tra­di­tion, Pres­i­dent Trump ac­tu­ally called the Pa­tri­ots af­ter the game and just mocked them for be­ing losers. — James Cor­den

Tom Brady’s fourth-quar­ter fum­ble se­cured the Ea­gles win and hon­estly, I feel for him, I do. I don’t know how Brady is go­ing to live with him­self, his five Su­per Bowl rings, his su­per­model wife Gisele — ac­tu­ally, I think he’s go­ing to be fine. — James Cor­den

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