Current events

In San Diego, a Girl Scout is in trouble for selling cookies outside a legal weed dispensary. However, the girl isn’t worried, because she is now worth $200 million. — Conan O’Brien

I read today Best Buy and Target are planning to stop selling CDs in their stores. To which I say: Best Buy and Target are still selling CDs? — Jimmy Kimmel

No CDs starting July 1, so mark your calendars, kids. In five months, you’re finally going to have to explain Spotify to your parents. — James Corden

People are still excited about the Philadelphia Eagles winning their first Super Bowl! And did you know this? I read that Eagles coach Doug Pederson was coaching high school football just 10 years ago. Which sounds crazy, until you remember that just FIVE years ago, our president was firing Clay Aiken from a TV show. — Jimmy Fallon

But what a game! The Eagles won their first Super Bowl ever, toppling Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. They said Tom Brady was so distraught after the game, he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape. — Jimmy Kimmel

As is always the case, there’s a lot of focus on the commercials at the Super Bowl. I learned a lot from the commercials yesterday. For instance, I had no idea Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream to sell light-duty trucks. — Jimmy Kimmel

A lot of people were upset last night that the voice of Dr. King was used to sell trucks. Mattresses, yes. You can buy a Serta Perfect Sleeper on MLK Day, no problem at all every year. But Dodge Ram trucks, no. They say it was the most polarizing Super Bowl ad since the Men’s Wearhouse “buy one, get one free at last” deal back in 1998. — Jimmy Kimmel

Now, usually the president will call and congratulate the winners [of the Super Bowl]. But breaking with tradition, President Trump actually called the Patriots after the game and just mocked them for being losers. — James Corden

Tom Brady’s fourth-quarter fumble secured the Eagles win and honestly, I feel for him, I do. I don’t know how Brady is going to live with himself, his five Super Bowl rings, his supermodel wife Gisele — actually, I think he’s going to be fine. — James Corden