Laugh Lines

Guten-who?

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector. “Yes, that was it!” “You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”

Mad cuckoo

A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, “I promise I will be home by midnight.”

Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home close to 3 a.m. As he walks in, the cuckoo clock begins to go off. But he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another nine times then sneaks into bed.

The next morning, he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn’t seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself, he asks her, “You sleep OK last night?”

She replies, “Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock.” “How come?” he asks. She says, “Because last night it cooed three times. Then it yelled, ‘Crap!’ Then it cooed another six times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed three more times, passed gas and tripped on the carpet.”

Current events

› In honor of International Women’s Day, Mattel is releasing a set of Barbies based on history-making women, like Amelia Earhart and Olympic gold medalist Chloe Kim. It’s called the Way Too Good for Ken Collection. — Jimmy Fallon

› The owner of a Greek soccer team this weekend stormed onto the field during a match waving a handgun. So long story short, soccer is now the official sport of the NRA. — Seth Meyers

› According to reports, Taco Bell has sold 53 million orders of its nacho fries. The fries are so successful they’re thinking about expanding into Mexican food. — Seth Meyers

› According to ride-hailing app Uber … some of the most unique items forgotten in cars were a Burger King visor, divorce papers and a Star Wars encyclopedia. Although maybe if you’d lost the Burger King visor and the Star Wars encyclopedia earlier, Jerry, you wouldn’t have gotten divorced. — Seth Meyers

› It’s spring break! Just remember, the partying lasts a week, but the photos will cost you jobs forever. — Jimmy Fallon

› Cancun, Mexico, was just named the best spring-break destination, and thousands of Americans are expected to visit. And the people of Mexico were like, “Never thought we’d say this, but what’s the ETA on Trump’s wall?” — Jimmy Fallon

› March Madness is officially underway. An interesting poll says that 17 percent of March Madness viewers watched the game with their boss last year. The bosses called it “tons of fun” while employees called it “mandatory.” — Jimmy Fallon^

› According to Politico, the publishers of former FBI Director James Comey’s upcoming memoir are taking extreme precautions to prevent the manuscript from leaking. Yeah, it would be a shame if something got out at the wrong time and ruined everything for him. — Seth Meyers

› After residents in Birmingham complained about the terrible smell, New York City has agreed to stop sending railcars full of the city’s excess sewage to a landfill in Alabama. Yeah, train cars filled with human waste and an unbearable smell — or, as that’s called in New York, the subway. — James Corden

› Alabama will no longer be overwhelmed by the stench of New York’s raw sewage, so congratulations, New Jersey! You’re back in business! — James Corden

› Earlier this week, the Church of Scientology premiered its very own television network, which will stream on various platforms. It’s like any other network, except every show is a cult hit. — James Corden

Pork lovers

A man is leaning on a farm gate, watching the farmer round up some sheep when he realizes that the farmer isn’t using a sheepdog, but rather a pig. What’s more, the pig is expertly maneuvering the sheep into a pen, and it has only three legs.

“Excuse me,” says the man to the farmer, “but why has that pig only got three legs?”

“Let me tell you a bit about that pig,” says the farmer. “That pig not only herds my sheep, he also crows in the morning, milks the cows morning and night, and collects the eggs from the hens.

“And that’s not all!” he continues. “That pig can count! He counts so well that he does all the farm accounts and fills in my tax forms.”

“What an amazing pig!” the man says.

“I ain’t finished!” says the farmer. “Two years ago, my farmhouse caught fire, and the pig dialed 9-1-1 for the fire department and then fetched water from the river to douse the flames in the hall. He then fought his way through the smoke to where my wife and children lay unconscious and dragged them from the burning house.”

“Wow!” says the man, “that really is an incredible pig. But I still don’t understand why he only has three legs.”

“Ah, well,” says the farmer, “when you have a pig that is that special, you don’t eat him all at once.”

Lisa Denton