Current events

“Avengers: Infinity War” pulled in $640 million worldwide. That works out to a million dollars for each superhero in the movie. — Conan O’Brien

Kanye West is under fire for an interview with TMZ where he described slavery as “a choice.” You know, it’s never a good sign when the moral high ground in a room is held by the people of TMZ. — Conan O’Brien

Kanye fired his manager this week, and tweeted, “I can’t be managed.” Then Kim [Kardashian] was like, “Stop tweeting and come in here.” He was like, “Yes, dear.” — Jimmy Fallon

A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to exercise, lose weight and not drink too much. To which all of America replied, “What else you got?” — Conan O’Brien

A new study found that one in four Americans said they would have sex with a robot at least once just to try it. Which might explain why your Roomba won’t come out from under the couch. — Seth Meyers

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says he is planning to spend the majority of his fortune getting himself into space. He said, “I’ve seen what you people buy, and I don’t want to be near you.” — Conan O’Brien

Founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that Facebook has developed a new dating platform and promises the site is not for hookups and will not connect people already listed as friends. So get ready to swipe left on your mom. — Seth Meyers

A member of the band Journey said “Don’t Stop Believing” was inspired by the time he borrowed money from his dad to pay his dog’s vet bill. Apparently, the dog was hit by a midnight train goin’ anywhere. — Jimmy Fallon