Late Night Laughs

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES -

The White House announced to­day that Pres­i­dent Trump would do­nate his first quar­ter’s salary to the Depart­ment of Veter­ans Af­fairs. It’s just a lit­tle less money than he’s given to veter­ans of his af­fairs. — Seth Mey­ers

In other Trump news, the pres­i­dent’s lawyer Rudy Gi­u­liani con­tin­ues to give trou­ble­some in­ter­views. Last night on Fox News, Gi­u­liani said that Trump couldn’t have col­luded with the Rus­sians, be­cause if they had given him dirt on Hil­lary, he would have used it. Never a good sign when your lawyer’s de­fense is, “Your honor, my clients tried to com­mit a trea­sonous crime, but they were too stupid to ac­tu­ally pull it off.” — James Cor­den

There’s talk that Kim Jong Un might back out of his meet­ing with Pres­i­dent Trump. When asked why, Kim said, “Cuz Trump hears ‘ Yanny’ and I hear ‘ Lau­rel.’” — Jimmy Fal­lon

Kim Jong Un might can­cel his meet­ing with Trump, where they were sup­posed to dis­cuss North Korea’s nu­clear weapons. Trump was like, “How could some­one just pull out of a nu­clear agree­ment?” And Iran was like, “I know, it’s crazy, right?” — Jimmy Fal­lon

White House se­nior ad­vi­sor Jared Kush­ner spoke to­day at the open­ing of the new U. S. em­bassy in Jerusalem. It’s great prac­tice for Kush­ner, be­cause next week he has to do an oral re­port in So­cial Stud­ies. — Seth Mey­ers

We want to send our best to Me­la­nia Trump, who’s do­ing well af­ter hav­ing kid­ney surgery. When the doc­tor said she could go home in a few days, she was like, “Let’s not rush it.” — Jimmy Fal­lon

Mean­while, Pres­i­dent Trump is still try­ing to work out a trade deal with China. Yes­ter­day on Twit­ter, Trump tried to re­as­sure Amer­i­cans that the United States would work out a deal, writ­ing, “Be cool, it will all work out!” Be cool? What are his next words of wis­dom? Chillax? If it doesn’t work out with China, no big­gie, ei­ther way it’ll be sick. — James Cor­den

A lot of peo­ple think the U. S. might be start­ing a trade war with China. But this week­end Trump tweeted, “Be cool, it’ll all work out.” In a re­lated story, the pres­i­dent may have just dis­cov­ered weed. — Jimmy Fal­lon

In other Trump news, ac­cord­ing to a new ar­ti­cle, most week­nights Don­ald Trump and Fox News host Sean Han­nity have a bed­time phone call with each other. Just when you thought Trump couldn’t be more in love with Fox News. You just know they end ev­ery phone call like, “You hang up first, Sean.” “No, you hang up first.” “Well, you didn’t hang up ei­ther!” — James Cor­den

Re­ports say that when­ever he is re­ally up­set, Han­nity is al­ways there with those re­as­sur­ing words Trump wants to hear: “Be cool, it will all work out.” — James Cor­den

To­day was Facebook founder Mark Zucker­berg’s birth­day. I don’t re­ally care, I just wanted to give away some of his per­sonal in­for­ma­tion. — Seth Mey­ers

A new poll has found that a ma­jor­ity of Amer­i­cans say that driver­less cars will have a big im­pact on the el­derly. Specif­i­cally, if they don’t cross the street fast enough. — Seth Mey­ers Source: www. news­max. com

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