Late Night Laughs

The White House announced today that President Trump would donate his first quarter’s salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs. It’s just a little less money than he’s given to veterans of his affairs. — Seth Meyers

In other Trump news, the president’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani continues to give troublesome interviews. Last night on Fox News, Giuliani said that Trump couldn’t have colluded with the Russians, because if they had given him dirt on Hillary, he would have used it. Never a good sign when your lawyer’s defense is, “Your honor, my clients tried to commit a treasonous crime, but they were too stupid to actually pull it off.” — James Corden

There’s talk that Kim Jong Un might back out of his meeting with President Trump. When asked why, Kim said, “Cuz Trump hears ‘ Yanny’ and I hear ‘ Laurel.’” — Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Un might cancel his meeting with Trump, where they were supposed to discuss North Korea’s nuclear weapons. Trump was like, “How could someone just pull out of a nuclear agreement?” And Iran was like, “I know, it’s crazy, right?” — Jimmy Fallon

White House senior advisor Jared Kushner spoke today at the opening of the new U. S. embassy in Jerusalem. It’s great practice for Kushner, because next week he has to do an oral report in Social Studies. — Seth Meyers

We want to send our best to Melania Trump, who’s doing well after having kidney surgery. When the doctor said she could go home in a few days, she was like, “Let’s not rush it.” — Jimmy Fallon

Meanwhile, President Trump is still trying to work out a trade deal with China. Yesterday on Twitter, Trump tried to reassure Americans that the United States would work out a deal, writing, “Be cool, it will all work out!” Be cool? What are his next words of wisdom? Chillax? If it doesn’t work out with China, no biggie, either way it’ll be sick. — James Corden

A lot of people think the U. S. might be starting a trade war with China. But this weekend Trump tweeted, “Be cool, it’ll all work out.” In a related story, the president may have just discovered weed. — Jimmy Fallon

In other Trump news, according to a new article, most weeknights Donald Trump and Fox News host Sean Hannity have a bedtime phone call with each other. Just when you thought Trump couldn’t be more in love with Fox News. You just know they end every phone call like, “You hang up first, Sean.” “No, you hang up first.” “Well, you didn’t hang up either!” — James Corden

Reports say that whenever he is really upset, Hannity is always there with those reassuring words Trump wants to hear: “Be cool, it will all work out.” — James Corden

Today was Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. I don’t really care, I just wanted to give away some of his personal information. — Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that a majority of Americans say that driverless cars will have a big impact on the elderly. Specifically, if they don’t cross the street fast enough. — Seth Meyers Source: www. newsmax. com