Laugh Lines

Quickie

Q: Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?

A: Because freedom rings.

Office work

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Breaking in

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“You don’t understand,” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Immigrant story

A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the U.S. so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside. It reads: $20 Treatment. If Not Cured, Get Back $100.”

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put three drops in patient’s mouth.”

Lawyer: “Ugh, this is kerosene.”

DocLisa Denton tor: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”

Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put three drops in his mouth.”

Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”

Doctor: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”

The fuming lawyer pays him, then returns a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak. I can’t see at all.”

Doctor: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”

Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!”

Doctor: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.”

Punnies, Part 2

More from http://pun. me/pages/ funny- jokes. php:

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn, do they think it’s a scream?

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do NOT read it!

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.