Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES - Laugh Lines is com­piled from var­i­ous sources, in­clud­ing reader sub­mis­sions and web­sites. Ori­gins are in­cluded when known.

Quickie

Q: Why are there no knock-knock jokes about Amer­ica?

A: Be­cause free­dom rings.

Of­fice work

A young ex­ec­u­tive was leav­ing the of­fice late one evening when he found the CEO stand­ing in front of a shred­der with a piece of pa­per in his hand.

“Lis­ten,” said the CEO, “this is a very sen­si­tive and im­por­tant doc­u­ment here, and my sec­re­tary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Cer­tainly,” said the young ex­ec­u­tive. He turned the ma­chine on, in­serted the pa­per and pressed the start but­ton.

“Ex­cel­lent, ex­cel­lent!” said the CEO, as his pa­per dis­ap­peared in­side the ma­chine. “I just need one copy.”

Break­ing in

A man went to the po­lice sta­tion wish­ing to speak with the bur­glar who had bro­ken into his house the night be­fore.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“You don’t un­der­stand,” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house with­out wak­ing my wife. I’ve been try­ing to do that for years!”

Im­mi­grant story

A Chi­nese doc­tor can’t find a job in a hos­pi­tal in the U.S. so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign out­side. It reads: $20 Treat­ment. If Not Cured, Get Back $100.”

An Amer­i­can lawyer thinks this is a great op­por­tu­nity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Doc­tor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put three drops in pa­tient’s mouth.”

Lawyer: “Ugh, this is kerosene.”

DocLisa Den­ton tor: “Con­grats, your sense of taste is re­stored. Give me $20.”

The an­noyed lawyer goes back af­ter a few days to re­cover his money.

Lawyer: “I have lost my me­mory. I can­not re­mem­ber any­thing.”

Doc­tor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put three drops in his mouth.”

Lawyer (an­noyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restor­ing my taste.”

Doc­tor: “Con­grats. You got your me­mory back. Give me $20.”

The fum­ing lawyer pays him, then re­turns a week later de­ter­mined to get back $100.

Lawyer: “My eye­sight has be­come very weak. I can’t see at all.”

Doc­tor: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”

Lawyer (star­ing at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!”

Doc­tor: “Con­grats, your eye­sight is re­stored. Give me $20.”

Pun­nies, Part 2

More from http://pun. me/pages/ funny- jokes. php:

I know a lot of jokes about un­em­ployed peo­ple, but none of them work.

What’s or­ange and sounds like a par­rot? A car­rot.

Did you hear about the Ital­ian chef who died? He pasta way.

Why couldn’t the bi­cy­cle stand up? Be­cause it was two tired!

Par­al­lel lines have so much in com­mon. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My wife ac­cused me of be­ing im­ma­ture. I told her to get out of my fort.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

When a deaf per­son sees some­one yawn, do they think it’s a scream?

As I sus­pected, some­one has been adding soil to my gar­den. The plot thick­ens.

How do crazy peo­ple go through the for­est? They take the psycho path.

What did the traf­fic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.

I just wrote a book on re­verse psy­chol­ogy. Do NOT read it!

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

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