Current events

› In New York City, an Uber driver kicked a lesbian couple out of his car after they kissed. The real story here is that Mike Pence drives for Uber. — Conan O’Brien

› A federal judge yesterday approved the $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner, despite the Trump administration’s efforts to block it. AT&T executives said they need to get into content creation and distribution in order to survive against technology companies like Amazon and Netflix. Another way to survive would be to fix your cellphone service, you know. — Jimmy Kimmel

› In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to Lisa Denton break the state up into three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California and Kardashistan. — Jimmy Fallon

› The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state, and to sweeten the deal they’re now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. — James Corden

› $10,000 to live in a state that’s nothing but snowboarding, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and marijuana. Did you hear that? That’s the sound of every recent college graduate moving to Vermont. — James Corden

› The fast food chain Sonic has introduced a new flavor of its iced slushes. And apparently, they’ve run out of ideas because this new flavor is Pickle Juice. This is great news for people who are hot, thirsty and well into their second trimester. — James Corden

› Sonic says if this goes well, they’re all set to unveil their next exciting flavor, Cabbage Drippings. Sonic claims the new flavor has “a distinctly summer vibe to create new summer memories.” Memories like, “Hey! You remember that time I threw up at Sonic?” — James Corden

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.