Late Night Laughs: Around the White House

Well, move over, Gettysburg Address! After the president of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump posted an all- caps tweet saying, “To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” All I can say is thank God we didn’t elect a woman president. They’re just too emotional. — Seth Meyers

Yes, be cautious! You cross Donald Trump, and you’re gonna get what the other dictators got: a friendly summit, a handshake and, if you’re not careful, an invitation to the White House. — Stephen Colbert

It’s interesting that Trump would react so strongly to typical Iranian rhetoric. These people have the words “Death to America” on their license plate frames. This is not an unusual circumstance. This is their thing. So people are wondering why the president would threaten them with nuclear war when he let Vladimir Putin practically run his fingers through his hair. — Jimmy Kimmel

Rouhani also warned Trump “not to play with the lion’s tail, because you will regret it eternally.” That’s just good advice. Also, do not play with the lion’s mouth, you will regret it immediately. — Stephen Colbert

Vice President Mike Pence today hosted a fundraiser for a Republican representative in Philadelphia, but he left as soon as he found out it’s the city of brotherly love. — Seth Meyers

President Trump today complained about the release of [Michael Cohen’s] secret recording last night on Twitter saying, “What kind of lawyer would tape a client, so sad.” At which point Rudy Giuliani slowly hid his tape recorder behind his back. — Seth Meyers

President Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was destroyed today by a man with a pick axe. And not, as I had assumed, by a woman in a pantsuit. — Seth Meyers

This fall, Hillary Clinton is going to guest star on an episode of “Madam Secretary.” If she becomes a big enough TV star, she might have a chance of becoming president. — Jimmy Fallon