Current events

› I heard that the pumpkin spice latte is already on sale at Starbucks. Because when it’s 95 degrees outside, nothing’s more refreshing than some hot gourd juice. — Jimmy Fallon

› SpaceX founder Elon Musk smoked pot on a podcast. You can tell he really liked it because now he’s building a a rocket that goes from Taco Bell to White Castle. — Jimmy Fallon

› Elon Musk smoked on a podcast and said, “I’m not a regular smoker of weed.” People had a feeling he wasn’t a regular smoker of weed when he used the phrase “regular smoker of weed.” — Jimmy Fallon

› After Nike announced that former NFL quarterback and activist Colin Kaepernick would be the face of its new ad campaign, angry consumers began posting photos of themselves burning their Nike shoes. Unfortunately, he’s also been named the face of Yankee Candle, and now they don’t know what to do. — Seth Meyers

› The NFL season kicked off tonight with a game between the Atlanta Falcons and the Philadelphia Eagles. And it’s perfect timing for the Eagles’ fans. ’Cause they just sobered up from the Super Bowl. — Jimmy Fallon

› The Eagles hosted the Atlanta Falcons in a game that also marked, perhaps more importantly, the start of a new Fantasy Football season. Most of the guys I know studied harder for their Fantasy Football draft this year than all of high school and college combined. — Jimmy Kimmel

› Fantasy Football … it’s a fun way for people who are bad at real sports to realize that they’re also bad at imaginary sports. — Jimmy Fallon

› Later this season, too, the NFL will hold a game in Mexico. It’s all part of the League’s plan to combine as many things that Trump hates as possible. It’s really clever. Rosie O’Donnell is doing the halftime show. Jeff Sessions is a referee. — Jimmy Fallon