Laugh Lines

Tequila time

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in

Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a national day of mourning.

The national day of mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

(You were expecting something educational? You need a shot of tequila!)

Medical glossary

Consider this guide to terminology.

› Artery: the redneck’s medical

The study of fine paintings.

› Bacteria: Rear entrance to the cafeteria.

› Barium: What doctors do when patients die.

› Cat scan: Searching for kitty.

› Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

› Coma: A punctuation mark.

› D&C: Where Washington is.

› Enema: Not a friend. › ER: The things on your head that you hear with.

› Fester: Quicker than someone else.

› Genes: Denim slacks. › GI series: World series of military baseball.

› Hemorrhoid: A male from outer space.

› Impotent: Distinguished, well-known.

› Medical staff: A doctor’s cane.

› Morbid:

offer than I bid.

› Nitrates:

than day rates.

› Organ transplant:

What you do with your Hammond when you move.

› Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

› Pap smear: Making fun of Dad.

› Pathological: A reasonable way to go.

› Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture.

› Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

› Post-operative:

letter carrier.

› Recovery room:

Place to do upholstery.

› Rectum: Almost killed him.

› Red blood

Dracula.

› Secretion: A higher Cheaper A count: Hiding something.

› Seizure:

emperor.

› Terminal illness:

Getting sick at the airport.

› Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character.

› Triple bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak.

› Tumor: More than one, an extra pair.

› Varicose: Nearby/ close by.

› Vein: Conceited.

Medical notations

Roman

These medical notations are said to be typed exactly from actual doctors’ notes by medical secretaries.

› Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

› Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

› On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

› The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

› Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

› Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

› While in ER, Eva was examined, X-rated and sent home.

› Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

› Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

› The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

› Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice, and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

› Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

› The patient refused autopsy.

› The patient has no previous history of suicides.

› She is numb from her toes down.

› She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

› Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

› Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.

› Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

› She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

Quickies

Q: How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

A: As mushroom as possible.

Q: Why did the mushroom throw parties? A: Because he’s a fungi. Q: How do you end a fable about mushrooms?

A: With the morel of the story.

Q: What do mushrooms eat around a campfire? A: S’pores.

Q: Why did mushrooms go date?

A: They took a lichen to each other. the two out on a

Lisa Denton