Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow
Perspective
Mute wife
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife. She ain’t spoke to me in over two months.”
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over… women like that are hard to find.”
Simple facts
On brightside.me, an Irish father reports that he was driving out of the city when his 6-year-old son suddenly asked, “Is this the road to Tralee?”
The father answered, “Well, this is Route 22. It goes from Killarney to Tralee.”
And the boy said, “Don’t talk so much. Just say ‘yes.’”
Salesmanship
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally, to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack.
Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the “unbreakable” comb for everyone to see and said, “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside.”
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”
Just a trim
A balding man went into a barber’s shop and asked how much it would be for a haircut.
“Twenty-five dollars,” said the barber.
“Twenty-five dollars, that’s crazy!” exclaimed the man. “I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?”
The barber explained, “It’s $5 for the actual cut and $20 for the search fee.”
Favorite teacher
A teacher reports that he recently ran into an old student, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites.”
“Why thank you,” the teacher replied.
The student concluded, “You were mean to everyone.”
Want ads
These are reportedly real ads that ran in newspaper classifieds.
› Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
› Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
› Free puppies: Part German shepherd, part stupid dog.
› German shepherd: 85 pounds. Speaks German. Free.
› Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a reward.
› Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
› Cows, calves — never bred. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
› Nordic Track, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
› Hummers — largest selection ever. “If it’s in stock, we have it!”
› Georgia peaches, California-grown, 89 cents a pound.
› Nice parachute: Never opened. Used once.
› Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer & dryer. $300.
› Open house: Body Shapers Toning Salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.
› For sale: One-man, six-woman hot tub.
› For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Not so impressive
At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date.
He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, “At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer.”
The woman nodded. “I’ll make a note of that: Has-been movie producer.”
Fish and chips
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she’s ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers. “Hello,” says one, “I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you,” the nun replies. “I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
She turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be …?”
“Yes, I’m the chip monk.”
Milking the cow
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
As ordered
A guy walks into a bar and orders martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar is filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy starts to leave.
“Excuse me,” says a fellow customer, who is puzzled over what the guy has done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” says the guy. “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”