Prime-time laughs

Best lines from the Tony Awards:

› “Statistically speaking, the majority of you will be losers.” — Host James Corden to the audience

› “I promise tonight’s show won’t be all about ‘Hamilton.’ There will also be commercial breaks.” — James Corden

› “This is like the Super Bowl for people who don’t know what the Super Bowl is.” — James Corden

› “Did you know it takes eight guys to operate Bryan Cranston?” — Tina Fey, suggesting that instead of separate awards by gender that categories be divided into humans or puppets › “They say the best 10 years of an actor’s life are between 39 and 40.” — Jane Krakowski, introducing the musical “Tootsie”

› “Actors are a bit like nuclear warheads. That is to say, toxic, maybe best handled with care but entirely pointless if not for the people who get them to the place where they need to do their work.” — Bertie Carvel, Best Actor in a Featured Role in a Play, “Ink”

› “Finally a straight old white man gets a break.” — Bryan Cranston, Lead Actor in a Play, “Network”

One more

Why did the toilet paper not cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.

Remember …

› You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

› Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

› On the other hand, you have different fingers.

› Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

› What happened when the strawberry attempted to cross the road? There was a traffic jam.

› You need a parachute to do skydiving twice.

› Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

› You’re not completely useless. You can serve as a bad example.

› What’s the difference between a welldressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

› I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.

› I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

› You know what they say about cliffhangers …