Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow

Legalese from the courtroom, Part 1

- Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submission­s and websites. Origins are included when known.

This is said to be actual courtroom testimony, as collected at various websites.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

***

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

***

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

***

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.

A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: 45 years.

***

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

He said, “Where am

A:

I, Cathy?”

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximat­ely milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

***

Q: Sir, what is Lisa Denton your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

***

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

***

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

***

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: “What disco am I at?”

***

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

***

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

***

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

***

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

***

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

***

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was Aug. 8?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

***

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

***

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

A: I went to Europe, sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

***

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

***

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

***

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

***

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar!

Q: But could the patient have still been alive neverthele­ss?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

***

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

***

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

Q: Did he kill you?

***

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

***

Q: How long have you been a French-Canadian?

***

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

***

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That’s me.

Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

***

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

***

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

***

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I’ll be three months on Nov. 8.

Q: Apparently, then the date of conception was Aug. 8?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?

***

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

***

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there girls?

***

Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

***

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

***

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

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