Laugh Lines

From the bus

The Oak Ridge Boys sent out a news release this week about the retirement of their first tour bus driver, Darrel “Curly” Jones. Jones first drove for the group on July 21, 1969, piloting a Silver Eagle named Chocolate on a three-day run that took them from Nashville to Indiana, Mississippi and South Carolina. When he started, there was no Interstate 24, and I-65 and I-40 were not yet finished. He would eventually leave the Oaks and go into the bus business.

Here’s one of the group’s stories from the book “On the Road With The Oak Ridge Boys”:

“Well, Curly found out that Olivia Newton-John was about to go on tour and might need a bus. We didn’t have many dates during this time period, so Curly leased our bus to Olivia. But there was a catch. We did NOT have a bathroom. We DID have a funnel in the back, near The Hell Hole, where the boys could honor nature. It took talent to use the funnel on a moving bus. Sometimes one might miss and pee into the Hell Hole, but that’s another story. So Curly had a bathroom built for Olivia, and she leased our bus for several months. For the dates we had to play, we either borrowed Roy Clark’s bus, promoter Sonny Simmons’ RV or we rented something ourselves. When Chocolate returned to us, we had a full-fledged bathroom. We, of course, named it the Olivia Newton-JOHN!”

Brazen insult

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, “Hey, Donkeyboy, get me a drink.” The bartender gets him a drink.

Bob says, “Donkeyboy, get me another drink.”

The bartender gets him another drink.

Finally, Jim asks the bartender, “Why does he call you Donkeyboy?”

“I don’t know,” says the bartender. “Hehaw-hehaw, he always calls me that.”

Numbers up

› My dad always said, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number,” so I did. My account balance is $9.11.

› Odd numbers torment me a lot, so I subtract them by one. To get even.

› To the guy who invented the number zero: Thanks for nothing.

› To the guy who invented negative numbers: We owe you one.

› Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.

› One person in 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system. The other guy is fine with it.

› At 25 he finally learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock. It’s about time.

› What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

› Him: Let’s exchange numbers. Her: Won’t that confuse people trying to call us?

› Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

› How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood? He uses his spider census.

› What do teenage girls walk in odd numbers? (Using Valley Girl voice:) Because they can’t even.

› What do you call an illusionist who performs tricks with numbers? A math magician.

› If 666 is evil, then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

› What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A roamin’ numeral.

› Why do Romans consider 190 to be the most attractive number? Because it’s CXC.

› My pen broke. I just tried to write the number 11. But two ones won’t make it write.

› How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

› If most puns make you feel numb, then math puns should make you feel number.

One more

In a job interview, the interviewer said, “It says here that you can calculate large numbers quickly.” Applicant: That’s right. Interviewer: What’s 250 times 467? Applicant: 546,320. Interviewer: That’s wrong.

Applicant: How about that speed though?

Mortician humor

Did you hear about the undertaker who got custom license plates for his two new vehicles? One is “HIS,” the other “HEARSE.”

Diet plan

A woman has gained a little weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the woman returns, she shocks the doctor by having lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The woman nods. “I’ll tell you though. I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asks the doctor.

“No, from all that skipping.”

On the run

Bubba came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Earl, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Earl replied, “Did you see who it was?”

Bubba answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.”

Sing-along

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

He says to her, “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $10,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog tells her his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral, to which the frog replies, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant to show the manager. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”

The bartender says, “Yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

The man says, “What covers a house?”

The dog says, “Roof!” The man says, “How does sandpaper feel?” The dog says, “Rough!” The man says, “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” The dog says, “Ruth!” The man says to the bartender, “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the man and says, “Is the greatest player Mantle?”

Full of it

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Lisa Denton