Laugh Lines

Hearing loss

A man went to the doctor with hearing problems.

The doctor said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

The man said, “Let’s see, Homer’s the big dude, and Marge has blue hair …”

Hearing fix

A man experiencing hearing loss decided to check out the latest in hearing aids, but he didn’t want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman.

“Anywhere from $2 to $2,000.”

“Can I see the $2 model?” said the customer.

The salesman put the device around the man’s neck and said, “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket.”

“How does it work?” asked the customer.

“For $2, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”

Mighty fine

A fly feels a bug on its back.

“Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?” the fly asks.

“I ‘might’ be,” giggles the mite.

“That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard,” groans the fly.

“What do you expect?” says the mite. “I came up with it on the fly.”

Quickies

› How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.

› Why can’t towels tell jokes? Because they have a dry sense of humor.

› What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm.

› Where do electrical workers go after work?

Ohm.

› What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull? A steak-out.

Think about it

My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad.

But don’t worry … I’ll return.

Adoption option

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.

Still, the social workers are doubtful about the education the child would receive.

“We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin and computer skills,” says the wife.

The social workers then express doubts about the couple raising the child in a circus environment. They answer that their nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet.

The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as he or she fits in the cannon.”

Squirrel lessons

A Sunday School teacher wanted to use squirrels as an example of a diligent work ethic and being prepared. She started the lesson by saying, “I’m going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.”

The children were excited to show her what they knew and leaned forward eagerly.

“I’m thinking of something that lives in trees and eats nuts.”

No hands went up. “It can be gray or brown, and it has a long bushy tail.”

The children looked around the room at each other, but still no one raised a hand.

“It chatters and sometimes it flips its tail when it’s excited.”

Finally one little boy shyly raised his hand. The teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Yes, Michael, what do you think it is?”

“Well,” said the boy, “I know the answer’s supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.”

Swiss banking

An American enters a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in each of his hands. He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, “I have $2 million with me. I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!”

The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, “Sir, there’s no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”

Excuses

A man came in late for work one day for the second time that week. His boss called him into her office and said, “What’s your excuse this time?”

He shrugged and said, “My clock didn’t go off, and I overslept.”

She replied, “You could at least tell me something I haven’t heard before.”

He said, “You are looking lovely today.”

Money matters

A man handed the teller at his bank a withdrawal slip for $400. He said, “I’d like large bills please.”

The teller looked at him, confused, and said, “I’m sorry, sir. All the bills are the same size.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites (including these winning entries listed at www.ajokeaday.com). Origins are included when known.

Lisa Denton