Laugh Lines

Help wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: “Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, noticed the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager was surprised, to say the least. But the dog looked determined, so he led the dog into his office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He told the dog, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the eye and said, “Meow.”

From scratch

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those 10 cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 o’clock for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month. By the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us $2 million.

Business savvy

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “”Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

Train ride

Three men and a young woman are traveling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.

The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me $1, I will show you my legs.”

The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet, and she pulls up her dress a bit to show her calves.

The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me $10, I will show you my thighs.”

Again the men pull out their wallets and hand over the money. The woman pulls up her dress just above her knees to show her thighs.

The woman continues: “If you give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.” All three men hand over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”

Two to argue

A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The doctor asks, “So what seems to be the problem?”

The woman says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It’s starting to scare me.”

The doctor tells her, “I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don’t swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed.”

Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!”

The doctor informs her, “The water itself does nothing. It’s having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick.”

Oops

A 6-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

“But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Lisa Denton