Laugh Lines

How it’s worse

James is walking along a downtown street one day when he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

He runs up and greets him. “Harry, Harry, how are you?”

“Not so good,” says Harry.

“Why, what happened?” James asks.

“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt, and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, this time in a restaurant.

“And how are things now?” he asks.

“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”

“Could have been worse,” says James, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time.

“Well, how goes it?” he asks Harry.

“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”

Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.

“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: How in heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”

James, with the same little wisp of a smile, answers, “Could have been worse. Could have happened to me.”

Benny shaved

In the great desert lived a bunch of nomads.

Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank because of his magnificent beard. His people believed a man’s strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beards in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, “Do you now remember the ancient legend, sire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware.”

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a mansize clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

Grass houses

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe’s elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king’s tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: “People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”

Math jokes

› Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

› Why are obtuse angles so depressed? Because they’re never right.

› Where can you buy a ruler that is 3-feet long? At a yard sale.

› What do you call an intense love of math? Calculust.

› Did you hear that 4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed? Yes and 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

› Why do they never serve beer at a math party? Because you can’t drink and derive.

› Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? Because it’s two gross.

› What did one math book say to the other? Don’t bother me. I’ve got my own problems.

› Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.

› Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

One more

Father: What did you do in school today?

Son: We played a guessing game.

Father: I thought you had your math exam.

Son: Exactly.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites, including Ranker.com today. Origins are included when known.

Lisa Denton