New life: The complexities of stepfamily living
Remarrying with children often creates a complicated dynamic. Expectations may not be clear. People aren’t sure how to behave. Ex-spouses and their new spouse impact what happens in your household. All of this creates stress and conflict in relationships.
“Most couples enter into remarriage with a tremendous amount of expectation and hope,” says Ron Deal, author of “The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family.” “They are filled with hope, expecting positive things and are well-intentioned yet, in most instances, they are naïve about the trip they are about to take.”
Transitioning into a stepfamily requires preparation. Deal makes the following recommendations to those embarking on this journey. › Nurture your marriage. In a study of more than 50,000 stepfamily couples, the No. 5 predictor of a high-quality step couple relationship is maintaining fun in your marriage. Learn good communication skills. Such skills coupled with the ability to rresolve conflicts wee the number two and three predictors of successful remarriages. › Keep perspective.
This is new for everybody. Expect to feel lost. Seek understanding and don’t force people to blend, it takes time. Moving too quickly will likely cause a lot of frustration. It will take years for your family to really unite, so be patient with the process. Have a “slow-cooker” mentality. › Talk with others.
Educate yourself about stepfamily living before you begin. Ask other stepfamilies about their experiences, the things that caught them by surprise and how they navigated the early days. ›
Help the kids. Biological parents should spend one-on-one time with each child regularly. Prepare children to expect a variety of feelings and encourage them to talk about it. This is foreign territory for them, too. Discuss how to refer to one another (e.g., stepdad or “George”) and decide how to introduce one another in public. Realize that kids may have different names/ terms for stepfamily members depending on who’s in the room. Until relationships stabilize, they may call a stepfather “daddy” unless their biological dad is physically present. Don’t pressure kids to use labels that make you comfortable; try to follow their lead.
› Traditions matter. Keep some old ones (for the kids) and create new ones in your first year. Traditions tell us who we are and where we belong, so intentional thought and effort into creating a new family tradition helps form the missing family identity in your home.
› Be a team. Parents and stepparents should seek consensus in household rules and how to cooperate. Have lots of meetings about parenting. The stepparent’s focus the first year should be on building relationships with the children. Be sure to move at their pace, not yours. › Anticipate bumps in the road. Sometimes stepfamily life is challenging; don’t expect perfection. Try not to overreact. ›
Keep your visitation schedule predictable. Make sure children have continued access to the other home. Forcing kids to lose time with the other household will inadvertently invite kids to resent your relationship. Stepparents need to communicate a “no threat” message to the other biological parent. They need to know that you understand your role as a new person in their life who will never try to replace them. This message helps the other parent not to feel intimidated by your involvement with their children and, hopefully, increases openness to your role as stepparent.
› Stay connected. Maintain old friendships and social connections. Reconnect if necessary to church and a family of faith. Find a mentor to help you through your first year or join an educational group where you can find tools and encouragement. › Take the Couple Checkup. The checkup gives couples an accurate view of their relationship and suggestions for strengthening their marriage. It tells you where you are, helps you decide where you want to go, and gives you directions to get there. You can access the Couple Checkup and other resources at smartstepfamilies.com.
Julie Baumgardner is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org