Laugh Lines
See the trouble
A priest, a politician and an engineer were scheduled to be executed late in the French Revolution.
The priest was brought up to the guillotine and was placed on the table. The executioner pulled the cord and the heavy steel blade descended … then shuddered to a stop in the middle of the track.
The executioner was a very smart guy, so he proclaimed, “This is a sign from God, that the life of this priest should be spared!” The priest was set free to the delight of the cheering crowd.
Next the politician was brought up and placed on the table. The cord was pulled, and the blade again shuddered to a halt in the same place. The executioner proclaimed, “The grace of God is extended even to this politician!” The crowd went wild with joy.
The engineer stepped up last and said, “You know, if you tighten that bolt, this thing will work.”
Not so fast
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, “What size farm do you have?”
The Englishman proudly announced, “Thirty-five acres!”
“Thirty-five acres?” the Texan scoffed. “Why, I can get in my truck at 8 a.m. and start driving, and at noon I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again, and at 5 p.m. I am still on my farm.
“Ah, yes,” the Englishman nodded in understanding. “I had a truck like that once.”
Current events
From newsmax.com:
› There’s a new report that says that the sales of canned wine are on the rise. Finally, people that drink boxed wines have someone to look down on. — Jimmy Fallon
› New research found that young people actually have higher stress and anxiety than older people. It’s mainly due to the older person in front of them trying to pay for a TV with dimes. — Jimmy Fallon
› Next week, former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow will hold a workout in Los Angeles to try and impress scouts from Major League Baseball. Pretty ambitious for a guy who’s never even gotten to second base. — Seth Meyers
› The FBI is investigating whether Russian intelligence agencies have hacked the computers at The New York Times, or as the Times reported it, “Putin Named World’s Sexiest Leader.” — Stephen Colbert
› Pope Francis met with Mark Zuckerberg yesterday at the Vatican, and it was revealed that the Pope doesn’t actually have an official Facebook account. In other words, he wants to connect with millions of Catholics worldwide, just not the ones he went to high school with. — Jimmy Fallon
› Zuckerberg actually gave the Pope a drone. The Pope was like, “You mean it hovers above us and sees everything? Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God.” — Jimmy Fallon
› Queen Elizabeth is advertising for a housekeeping assistant to live and work in Buckingham Palace. The job would require dusting all the palace antiques — like chandeliers, vases and Queen Elizabeth. — Jimmy Fallon
› Today “Dancing With the Stars” has revealed the cast for its upcoming 23rd season. If you’re not familiar with “Dancing With the Stars,” it’s basically “Game of Thrones” for your mom. — James Corden
› Former Texas governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry is a contestant. Perry is very publicly opposed to gay marriage. So, if you’re wondering who’s going to have the worst hair and makeup on the show, you’ve got your answer. — James Corden
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.