4 secrets of Jewish parenting
Through all the hoopla about the parenting secrets of Asian Tiger Moms whose children practice piano for hours and French moms whose children happily tuck into four-course meals, I kept wondering: When are we going to start talking about Jewish moms?
As Marjorie Ingall points out in her funny and insightful new book, “Mamaleh Knows Best: What Jewish Mothers Do to Raise Successful, Creative, Empathetic, Independent Children,” Jewish kids do tend to do pretty well for themselves. Although Jews make up less than 1 percent of the world’s population, we constitute 170 of 850 Nobel Prize winners, 21 percent of Ivy League students, 37 percent of Academy Award-winning directors and 51 percent of Pulitzer Prize winners for nonfiction, Ingall writes.
So what are Jewish parents doing to foster that outsized achievement?
Ingall’s theory is that a religion that stresses learning and debate has combined with a long history of religious persecution to create a distinctive approach to child rearing that’s heavy on learning, humor and skepticism, embraces geekiness in all its forms, and encourages children to pursue their own passions.
“Unlike the stereotypical Tiger Mother, we encourage kids to dabble in activities, letting them figure out what they really enjoy,” Ingall writes. “We welcome play dates rather than viewing them as distractions from school; we believe that kids learn from peers and need chill-out time. We don’t fetishize the teacher as the ruler of the classroom and the font of all knowledge; we encourage kids to be polite in class, but never to stop asking questions and never to sit with answers that don’t feel right.”
Among the secrets of Jewish parenting that Ingall, mother of two daughters, believes will work for all families:
Distrust authority:
Jews come by this one honestly. So often in our history, we’d get settled in a place only to be driven out — or worse — by hateful or self-serving authorities. Distrusting those in power was a good survival strategy, and Judaism, a decentralized religion friendly to debate and dissent, offered plenty of opportunity to hone one’s critical-thinking skills.
“The Talmud, the compendium of Jewish law, is pretty much a bunch of dudes contradicting one another,” Ingall notes. “Each page consists of a big box of text in the middle and wrapped around it like a frame is lots of “Wait, you think what?”
Today, American Jews celebrate their love of debate with inside jokes such as “2 Jews, 3 opinions.”
Non-Jewish parents can get in on the action by questioning assumptions, engaging in debate and encouraging the kids to do the same.
“Ask your kid questions regularly,” Ingall writes, “and listen to the answers. Don’t let them get away with facile reasoning. Gently point out flaws and contradictions in their argument. Talk about the questions you yourself are struggling with, and ask for your kid’s opinions. I’m not saying you should respect your kid’s reasoning that they should not have to go to bed until their 48th game of ‘Grand Theft Auto’ has been completed. I’m saying you should encourage civil debate and urge your kid to view the world with a gimlet eye.”
Encourage geekiness:
Joining the math team is a lot more acceptable than it used to be, but when it comes to geek acceptance, Jews have historically been — and remain — way ahead of the curve.
Throughout much of our history, we’ve been cool with being uncool, and our dorkiness has served us well, Ingall writes: “Jewish mothers throughout time have encouraged their kids’ interests and not cared who knew it. Popularity and conformity have not been our bag. Intellectual inspiration? That’s where it’s at.” Not Jewish? Share your own passionate interests, Ingall writes, and pay attention to what really fascinates your kid — even if it’s not what you might expect.
“I keep thinking of the story told by John Boyega about telling his dad he’d gotten cast in the “Star Wars” reboot, and his dad shrieking and celebrating with him — “That is fantastic! I knew it!” — before asking, “What is Star Wars?’” Ingall writes.
Read and laugh:
Research suggests that both humor and storytelling can contribute to a child’s success, Ingall writes, and both are central to Jewish culture. Historically, literacy was a good, portable skill for people who were periodically deprived of their homes and property, as was humor. Today, many comedians are Jewish, and parents push books: reading to themselves and their kids, telling stories and helping children find books they love.
Ingall endorses these strategies and offers practical tips: “Ask your kids lots of questions about what they’re reading, and listen to the answers. And be sneaky. Judy Blume suggests that if we want our kids to read, simply leave books lying around.