How nature can help you nurture
We see it often. Some men are very connected and involved with their children and some aren’t. Some are patient; some quick to anger. Some show tremendous compassion; some aren’t easily empathetic.
What makes the difference and can good parenting be learned?
We’re working on a new book of interviews with African-American dads and it’s disquieting how many of these men grew up in households with little or no involvement from their fathers. Their dads were either absent or present in the house but poor parents. Yet, in spite of the challenges they faced, all these men have grown to be caring and committed parents.
What makes the difference between guys who are engaged and those who aren’t, between men who treat their kids with care and concern and those who are unconcerned, cavalier, even irresponsible?
Biology may have something to do with it. Research has begun to show how hormonal and brain activity in men may affect involvement with their children. Some men may be more suited to parenting than others. Researchers also are finding that, though biology and anatomy can make a difference, factors such as education, experience and environment can, over time, be significant influences.
In addition, a man’s involvement with his children is influenced by his relationship with his own father. Moms, the next time you wonder why your husband is not bonding as well as you would like with your infant, consider that background and biology can have a distinct impact on his ability to parent. Consider also that focusing on educating, loving and supporting the child can improve their father’s parenting skills.
James Rilling, an anthropologist at Emory University and one of the researchers involved in this work, notes, “According to one hypothesis, boys who grow up without fathers often overcompensate by adopting a hyper-masculine behavioral style that privileges aggression and mating effort at the expense of pair-bonding and paternal caregiving.
“Boys need good role models of involved fatherhood. … New fathers should be educated about the importance of their involvement for their child’s development. We can show them all the data and statistics, but I think what will be most effective is to let them hear about the emotional void that children raised without fathers often express.”
So some men may have backgrounds that make caregiving more challenging. Others are hampered by biology. The hopeful news is that good parenting can be learned. Men who don’t connect as readily with their child, who seem distant or struggle with impatience, who don’t seem to engage as readily, can compensate by developing in other areas such as playing with their child, by teaching skills or through conveying information to them based on experience.
While dads need to seize the opportunity to improve parenting skills, moms can play an important role in this important improvement process.
Tom Tozer and Bill Black are authors of “Dads 2 Dads: Tools for Raising Teenagers.” Like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter at Dads2Dadsllc. Contact them at tomandbill@Dads2Dadsllc.com.