Current events

One of the biggest viral sensations right now is a YouTube live stream of a pregnant giraffe waiting to give birth. The cutest part is when she tells the father giraffe, “You did this to me, now put down that (bleep) camera.” — Conan O’Brien

YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is way too sexy, the problem is you. — James Corden

A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! They’re all nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor’s dog, who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates. — James Corden

Who watches a giraffe give birth anyway? What is that like? “Oh, I see a head, and now the neck — and neck — and neck — some more neck. Should we check back on this in an hour?” — James Corden

Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Que sa lupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesal upa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you’re probably not drunk enough to eat it. — Seth Meyers

The accountants at Price water house Coopers who botched the Oscars have received death threats. The FBI tried to investigate, but the accountants handed them the wrong hate mail. — Conan O’Brien

Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That’s right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent. — Seth Meyers

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.