Late Night Laughs:
GOP health care
› Yesterday, House Republicans unveiled their new health care plan intended to replace Obamacare. Oh yeah, it’s brilliant. The previous health care plan was nicknamed “Obamacare,” and if this new plan doesn’t work, it will be nicknamed “Obama’s Fault.” — James Corden
› House Republicans have unveiled their much-anticipated new health care plan that’s supposed to replace Obamacare. Here’s what we know about it so far: The new plan stresses personal responsibility. For too long Americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their health care. — Jimmy Kimmel
› Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Day 3 of “Health Care Plan 2: Repeal and Revenge — This Time It’s Republican.” It took the GOP forever to release this thing. They’re the George R.R. Martins of health care. And just like in “Game of Thrones,” a lot of your favorite characters are going to die without warning. — Stephen Colbert
› New research says that Neanderthals used to relieve pain by chewing on a plant containing the main ingredient in aspirin. Or as that’s now being called, “the Republican health care plan.” — Conan O’Brien
› The GOP’s new health care bill cleared its first hurdle early this morning, when it was passed by the House Ways and Means Committee, after roughly 18 hours of debate. And anyone who’s spent 18 hours trying to pass something knows what you get at the end. — Stephen Colbert
› Apparently, members were up until 4 a.m., which might explain why things got a little loopy. Like these late-night musings from Rep. Jason Smith: “You could tax a lot of different items if you want to stop behavior. You know, I love ice cream. Ice cream is probably not the healthiest thing to eat. Why is there not a tax on that? You know what, if you look at the No. 1 cause of skin cancer, it is not tanning beds. Do a Google search: It is the sun. Why have they not proposed a tax on the sun?” So if you’re worried about losing your health care, don’t worry! It’s safely in the hands of the guy who’s up all night googling “why don’t we tax the sun?” — Stephen Colbert