Late Night Laughs: Around the White House

› President Trump says he’s planning to travel less to other countries than previous presidents. The idea was first suggested to him by other countries. — Conan O’Brien

› This week, President Trump will meet with a Saudi prince. The man born into immense wealth with multiple wives and an exotic head covering says he can’t wait to meet the Saudi prince. — Conan O’Brien

› White House adviser Kellyanne Conway suggested that President Obama could have spied on Donald Trump through a microwave oven. Which is why today the Trump administration brought in six Hot Pockets for questioning. — Conan O’Brien

› Trump’s adviser, Kellyanne Conway, gave a TV interview on Sunday, and people noticed that she displays a photo of herself in her living room. This is true. Take a look at the photo just there. Wow, her microwave takes great pictures! — James Corden

› Who has a framed picture of themselves, on their own, in their living room? She should change her name from Kellyanne Conway to Kellyanne Kanye. — James Corden

› The GOP’s health-care plan came out last week and, so far, it’s popular with everyone … except doctors, hospitals, the insurance industry, patients, the elderly, Democrats, Republicans and — what’s the word? — mortals. Yeah. These mortals, they need so much care. — Stephen Colbert

› This afternoon, the Congressional Budget Office released its official analysis of the GOP’s health-care bill and found 24 million Americans will lose coverage under the plan. But keep in mind, that’s 24 million people by 2026. And without health insurance, a lot of those people won’t live that long anyway. — Stephen Colbert

› If you are away on spring break, have fun, do whatever you need to do. Don’t forget Congress is about to take away your health care, so if you’re going to do something dumb, do it now while it’s still covered. — Jimmy Kimmel

› Meanwhile, yesterday Trump’s Attorney General Jeff Sessions referred to marijuana as, quote, “only slightly less awful than heroin.” Only slightly less awful — I mean, is he on crack? — James Corden

› President Trump released his proposed budget today. The title of the budget is “America First: A Budget Blueprint To Make America Great Again.” Seems like maybe while they were cutting things, they could have cut a few words out of the title. — Jimmy Kimmel

› It came out last night that Rex Tillerson used an email alias while he was CEO of Exxon to discuss climate change on the sly. So in the Trump administration, you can be a sexist or a white supremacist, but you’re gonna want to keep your science talk on the D.L. — Stephen Colbert

› Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis said climate change is real and threatening global stability. He then asked that his nickname be changed to “Reasonable Dog.” — Conan O’Brien

› Meanwhile, the White House is also criticizing Rachel Maddow, saying it’s “totally illegal to steal and publish tax returns.” They said the documents should be released the proper way: by having a Russian hacker give them to WikiLeaks. — Jimmy Fallon

› Last night at around 7:30, our friend Rachel Maddow unleashed a Force 5 tweet-icon with: “We’ve got Trump tax returns. Tonight, 9 p.m., MSNBC. Seriously.” So important for news networks to add “seriously” to any announcement, so the audience knows you’re not pranking them. — Stephen Colbert

› We all watched the Twitter feed. And when 9 p.m. came, Rachel took us on an emotional roller coaster — because, like a roller coaster, at the end we were all right back where we started, and feeling a little queasy. — Stephen Colbert

› First, she let us know just how much information she had. Then after 20 minutes of explaining what taxes are and who Donald Trump is, Maddow was ready to show us the tax return. “We’ll go through it next.” What! A cliffhanger? Is this news or a reality show? I don’t want to watch “America’s Got 1040s.” — Colbert

› Meanwhile, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked the president’s new travel ban, which is supposed to have gone into effect at midnight. That is really amazing to me — they have judges in Hawaii? — Jimmy Kimmel

› In an interview yesterday with Fox News, President Trump said he might not be president if it wasn’t for Twitter. Dude, you said that to Fox News? That’s like telling your dad that your hero is your friend’s dad. — Seth Meyers