Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
› Everyone’s OK, but over the weekend off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, “I’ll get them next time.” — Conan O’Brien
› An Ohio couple was arrested for faking their own murder. People grew suspicious when the couple changed their Facebook status to “We’ve been murdered.” Sad! — Conan O’Brien
› An Oregon man led police on a 10-mile, highspeed chase on Sunday in a stolen street sweeper truck. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his community service was done. — Seth Meyers
› Police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as “Miller time.” — Seth Meyers
› A woman on flight from Beijing to Melbourne had her headphones in, then her headphones exploded. They went up in flames. They’re not sure if it was due to a defect in the headphones or the batteries were bad or if she was just listening to a really good song. The worst part is she still has no idea how “Moana” ends. — Jimmy Kimmel
› Workers at a Goodwill store in Washington state got a big surprise when they opened a donated cooler and inside they found $24,000 worth of marijuana. GOOD will? More like AWESOME will. — James Corden
› There were five giant bags of marijuana in the cooler. And when he found them, the Goodwill worker immediately turned over the three bags he found to the police. The police then gave the 1 ounce of marijuana they found to the chief, who went to the commissioner and said, “Look, we found a joint!” — James Corden
› There’s a lot of leadup to March Madness, but for half the teams, the tournament ends very abruptly. Sixteen teams were eliminated today. Maybe you wanted to win, but the good news is, now you get to return to your studies. Which is why you go to college in the first place. — Jimmy Kimmel
› If you’re not familiar, here’s how the NCAA tournament works. It starts at 68, then 64, then 32, then 16, then 8, then 4, then 1 — I’m sorry, that’s the number of Republicans backing Trump’s health-care bill. I messed that up, common mistake. — Jimmy Fallon