Give kids a say, but remember, parents, you are in charge
Parents of young children often discuss among themselves whether they are doing all the right things to help their kids become healthy, happy adults.
How many activities should they be involved in? How much sleep do they really need? Is it bad to fix something different for each child for dinner? Am I a bad parent if I don’t (fill in the blank)?
While these are all questions worth considering, every person has two basic needs: the need to know who you are and where you belong in the family. The parent’s role is to help each member of the family be who they are as an individual and to understand how to connect and fit in with the rest of the family. This is a great case for not treating every child exactly the same. Personalities, temperaments and needs are different for each family member.
The parent’s role is to lead and the child’s role is to follow. How do parents know if they are in charge, or if their child is running the show? If any of the following scenarios apply in your home, you may need to reevaluate what is taking place.
› If you think it is OK for your child to tell you what to do.
› If you get intimidated by your child’s behavior.
› If your child throws a tantrum, pouts or withdraws, and you change your response because they do that.
› If you change the way you handle something because you are afraid of your child’s response.
› If you allow emotions — such as guilt, fear that your child won’t love you or won’t be happy with you — to dictate your decisions instead of answering the question: “What is in the best interest of my child?”
It is not healthy for children to rule the roost if you want to help them grow up and become independent. While they are under your roof, they need to know they can count on parents to be in charge. Even when they push the edge of the envelope, they are still counting on you to lead.
Research consistently shows that healthy families have similar patterns — adults are in charge of the family, each person is able to be close and separated from other family members, and the family expects and adapts to change as needed.
According to the authors of the Survival Skills for Healthy Families program, each person in the family needs to know:
› How to speak up and say what they need. The ability to say what you want helps others to know what you are thinking and feeling. It also opens the door for understanding.
› How to listen. As a listener, we can choose to seek connection, be respectful and look for understanding. Or we can react, fight and argue.
› How to cooperate. Teach your children how to find balance between their needs and the needs of other members of the family.
Additionally, children need to know they can count on their parents to be in charge. They need to know they belong and how to use their voice. Mastering these skills earlier in life can be a real gift to your entire family.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.