Late Night Laughs

AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE

› President Trump turned down a chance to throw out the opening day pitch for the Washington Nationals. Turned it down! For some reason, Trump doesn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of large Hispanic men holding baseball bats. — Conan O’Brien

› The White House says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Apparently Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm. — Jimmy Fallon

› Actually, they said Trump had to cancel because of a scheduling conflict. When asked if they could change the date of the game, the Nationals said, “We already did so he wouldn’t come.” — Jimmy Fallon

› Today, Vladimir Putin denied meddling in our presidential election. Not helping was that Putin made the statement from behind the desk in the

Oval Office. — Conan O’Brien

› As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York or move into the White House. Said Melania, “And who do I make the check out to?” — Seth Meyers

› Today, coal miners attended a ceremony where President Trump signed an executive order undoing most of Barack Obama’s climate change initiatives. The miners said they were really impressed with Trump. They said that in just two months, he’d dug himself into the biggest hole they’ve ever seen. And they literally work in holes. — James Corden

› Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. — Jimmy Fallon

› President Trump told senators yesterday that they would make a deal on health care because “that’s such an easy one.” OK, well, just make sure your health-care plan covers amnesia. — Seth Meyers

› You know, you can see why they thought the bill would pass. Winning with less votes worked for Trump in November. — James Corden