Laugh Lines
Setting up baby
The day my little boy was born, a friend of mine called me because his little girl was born the day before. He goes, “Who knows? Maybe they’ll end up getting married.” My little boy’s a day old. His little girl’s two days old. He’s not gonna marry someone twice his age.
Frugal gorilla
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.”
The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”
The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”
Listen for it
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.
As he’s leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, “Hey, you’re not gonna leave that lyin’ here, are ya?”
“Hmph,” says the man. “That’s not a lion — it’s a giraffe.”
Useless tickets
A kid goes to his first movie alone. He buys one ticket and goes in.
A minute later, he comes back out to buy another ticket. The man at the counter asks, “Why do you want another one?”
The kid replies, “Because that man over there ripped the first one in half.”
Two horses
A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”
The guy replies, “Well I’ve got these two horses, and I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender suggests, “Why don’t you try shaving the tail off one of the horses?”
The guy says, “That sounds like a good idea. I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition.
“I shaved the tail off one of the horses,” he says, “but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again.”
The bartender says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane?”
A few months later, the guy is back. “I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back.”
The bartender yells, “Just measure the horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!”
The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs back into the bar.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses, and the black one is 2 inches taller than the white one!”
Alphabet soup
After being married for 30 years, a wife asks her husband to describe her.
He considers for a moment, then says, “You’re A,B, C, D, E, F, G,H, I J, K.”
She asks, “What does that mean?”
He says, “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, hot.”
“Oh that’s so lovely, she says, with a big smile. “But what about I,J, K?”
He says, “I’m just kidding.”
Let sleeping dogs lie
A woman is in the backyard hanging the laundry one afternoon when an old, tired-looking dog wanders into the yard.
She can tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he has a home. But when she walks into the house, he follows, saunters down the hall and falls asleep in a corner. An hour later, he goes to the door, and she lets him out. The next day he’s back. He resumes his position in the hallway and sleeps for an hour.
This continues for several weeks. Curious, the woman pins a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrives with a response pinned to his collar: “We have 10 children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”
Quickies
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean’s bottom.
Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear? A: Open-toad.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A: Bugs Bunny.
Q: Why can’t leopards play hide-andseek?
A: Because they’re always spotted.
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: A pork chop.
Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
A: Because they’re really good at it.
Q: Why aren’t koalas actually bears?
A: Because they don’t meet the koalafications.