Being a great dad means being in the ‘now’ with your kids

Nearly every dad we’ve interviewed over the years has the same response when we ask, “What’s the single greatest quality in a great dad?”

There’s hardly any hesitation. “Being present,” is the resounding reply. “Just being there.”

It doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, does it? Yet, it may be the most difficult task we have as dads. Being present.

This doesn’t just mean filling a physical space. It also means “being in the now” with your son or daughter. Being aware of where you are and who you’re with. It means focusing on the immediate and celebrating those precious beings who love you and need you. What a privilege.

Yet, for many of us dads, it’s a privilege that we squander. We get caught in the work race and social obligations.

Aren’t we always acutely aware when we’re in the company of our boss? Our senses are sharp. We’re on our toes. We’re ready to jump upon command. We smile politely and laugh at every bad joke.

When the boss is in the room, we are more than “being present.” We are poised for the cue to act, react, play go fetch or promise that the report you haven’t started will be on his or her desk first thing tomorrow morning. Oh, what a tangled web we get caught in and love to death.

One would think “being in the present” with your children would be a piece of cake, a breath of fresh air. But it’s a scenario played out every day, re-enacted so often that we move from place to place in our houses without noticing one another. When we’re home, we tend to see past one another. Our minds are still in the conference room staring at a flip chart or on the golf course wishing we would have used the 7-iron instead of the 9-iron. Dang, I could have ended up with par!

Is it any wonder that our kids run by us in the kitchen without acknowledging our presence? We’re not there anyway. Families sit around the dinner table and silently devour their mashed potatoes and meatloaf because we’re all out of practice. We’ve become so adept at clicking our devices and “laughing out loud” without cracking a smile that we’ve lost the art of real conversation. We’ve forgotten how to start a sentence — or we begin it with an “uh” … or a grunt or a deep sigh.

Being in the now. It’s a role we haven’t played for a long time. We’re everywhere but “in the now.” The “now” is uncomfortable because it forces us to be the dad we always thought we would be … but we just got too busy. We fooled ourselves into thinking that we have to work 80 hours a week to be successful. We men need to slap ourselves awake and be the dad of the house. It’s a bigger payday.

Tom Tozer and Bill Black are authors of Dads2Dads: Tools for Raising Teenagers. Like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter at Dads2Dadsllc. Contact them at tomandbill@Dads2Dadsllc.com.