PUNCHLINES
Moms know
Easter egg hunts: Proof your kid can find things when they really want to.
Easter quickies
Q: What kind of stories do rabbits like best?
A: Ones with hoppy endings.
Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken.
Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A: They lived hoppily ever after.
Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It’s been nice gnawing you.
Q: How does a rabbit keep his fur looking good?
A: Hare spray.
Q: Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
Q: What do you get when you cross a frog with a hare?
A: A bunny ribbit.
Q: Why did the chocolate Easter bunny see a psychiatrist?
A: Because he felt so hollow inside.
Maxine’s maxims
Maxine, the character from Hallmark greeting cards, offers these observations from her “Crabby Road” collection.
It’s Easter time, and I’m surrounded by lots of pink and purple. (Stupid) varicose veins.
Some Easter advice: The bigger the bonnet, the smaller it makes your butt look. (Her dog adds: We’re gonna need a bigger bonnet.)
Go on an Easter egg hunt? I can’t even find my car keys.
“No use hunting for Easter eggs at my house. The only bunnies here are dust bunnies.
I’ll be doing my part this Easter to keep kids healthy … by swiping as many chocolate peanut butter eggs as possible.
I saw a 6-foot bunny at the mall yesterday. Either it’s almost Easter, or my doc screwed up my meds again.
It seems like every day is an egg hunt. I really need to clean out my fridge.
Marshmallow chicks … Sounds like a club I could qualify to join.
I won’t say my memory’s bad, but it’s to the point now that I can hide my own Easter eggs.
Hippity, hoppity, flippity, floppity … that’s what my butt does after eating all that Easter candy.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com: We have a deeply divided nation. But today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from Pepsi. — Stephen Colbert
It starts with a throng of beautiful, multiethnic people protesting in the streets of, I’m going to guess Newport, Rhode Island. So far, we don’t know what has caused all of America’s hot extras to take to the streets, but I’m guessing it’s a protest for Attractive Lives Matter. — Stephen Colbert
The signs they’re holding aren’t much help figuring things out. They say things like “peace,” and the peace symbol, and “Join the conversation.” That’s the most corporate message of all time. They might as well be holding signs that say, “We are all the core demographic.” — Stephen Colbert
At first, this was a movement without a leader until the protest route just happened to pass by Kendall Jenner doing a fashion shoot for aluminum siding. This commercial ends with a message even more profound than “Join the conversation”: “Live for now.” — Stephen Colbert
Yes, “live … for now,” especially if you’re Pepsi’s marketing department, because I don’t think you guys are going to be there for long. — Stephen Colbert
Today Pepsi pulled the ad and apologized. They apologized to Kendall Jenner. “Sorry we paid you $3 million to be in the worst commercial ever, Kendall Jenner.” Everyone was so mad. The only people who weren’t mad? The people at Coke weren’t mad, they loved it. — Jimmy Kimmel
The Cleveland Zoo announced today that its rare black rhinoceros is pregnant. They made the announcement right after she confirmed it with her rhino-cologist. — Seth Meyers
According to the National Enquirer, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. I don’t believe it. I don’t think he would ever leave her behind. — Jimmy Fallon
According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. — Seth Meyers
Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is writing her autobiography. I think that’s going to be one of those “he said, she said” deals. — Jimmy Fallon
A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn’t planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it. — Seth Meyers
A new study found that plastic surgeons make an average of $354,000 per year. “I am shocked,” said one woman’s face but not her mouth. — Seth Meyers
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.