The parenthood paradox: Meaning and happiness don’t always coexist
If parenthood is so great, how come I’m not happy? We’ve heard this frustration from some of the fathers we’ve talked to. You may be one.
In her book “The Power of Meaning — Crafting a Life That Matters,” Emily Esfahani Smith talks about the difference between a happy life and a meaningful life. Sometimes those things coincide. But sometimes they don’t. Lying on the couch and watching a comedy can make you happy, but we wouldn’t say it’s terribly meaningful. Caring for children who are suffering is quite meaningful but not always happy work.
Leading a meaningful life means that we are making a difference, that we feel part of something bigger than ourselves. Parenting gives us the experience, perspective and understanding to create a sense of meaning in our lives. Being a parent can be very meaningful, but it is not always a happy task.
PARENTHOOD PARADOX
Smith says, “Raising children is one of the most stressful but crucial jobs a person can have — and though children can be a source of joy, an oft-cited finding from the psychological research on parenting is that raising kids makes parents unhappy. Parents sacrifice their personal time and space for their children, they lose sleep as a result of their kids, and they are constantly engaged in tiring tasks like changing diapers and enforcing discipline. At the same time, though, many studies show that raising children is a powerful source of meaning.”
Scott Barry Kaufman’s article in Scientific American supports that point: “There can be substantial trade-offs between seeking happiness and seeking meaning in life. Consider, for instance, the “parenthood paradox”: Parents often report that they are very happy they had children, but parents who are living with children usually score very low on measures of happiness. It seems that raising children can decrease happiness but increase meaning.”
We have encouraged dads who asked the question about happiness vs. meaning to reflect on the meaning their role brings to their own lives as well as the critical role they play in their children’s lives. Then we asked them to help their children discover ways to find real meaning in their own young lives — and to understand that life’s ultimate goal is not to pursue happiness but to seek meaning.
Smith further notes, “All of the difficult and tedious work of being a parent lies in the service of a larger purpose: helping a child grow into a responsible adult.”
We parents play an essential role in the lives of our children. Sometimes it may seem a struggle, and at times we take it for granted, but it is a pivotal purpose that makes a fundamental difference. Parents can help their children discover meaning in life by encouraging them to pay it forward, to help make life better for someone else. Those altruistic acts of kindness can, in turn, result in being happy. Finding meaning in life bears the fruits of happiness.
Tom Tozer and Bill Black are authors of Dads2Dads: Tools for Raising Teenagers. Like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter at Dads2Dadsllc. Contact them at tomandbill@Dads2Dadsllc.com.