Laugh Lines
Animal crackers
A chicken marches into the library, walks up to the library desk and says: “Book, book, BOOK!”
The librarian hands over a couple of slim children’s paperbacks and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field and disappears down the hill.
Next day, the chicken is back. Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says, “Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!” The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away.
The next day, the chicken comes for a third time. Drops the books on the desk, and says, “Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!”
This time, once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows — across the street, through a field and down the hill to a small pond.
On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond’s edge, and says, “Book, Book, Book!”
The frog hops over, uses a front leg to push through the pile, and says: “Read it, read it, read it …”
To tell the truth
George had a wife and eight children and was needing to move from his rental house because the owner wanted to reoccupy the home.
But he was having difficulty finding a new place. When he said he had eight children, landlords weren’t interested because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn’t say he had no children, because he didn’t believe in lying.
So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with seven of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes, and the price was right. The agent asked, “How many children do you have?” He answered, “Eight.” The agent asked, “Where are the others?”
George, looked the agent right in the eye, and answered, “They’re at the cemetery with their mother.”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
› According to a new survey, about one in five dads say they feel guilty about not being present enough with their children. Then again, one out of five dads is all they could find. — Seth Meyers
› Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. — Seth Meyers
› Yesterday, the U.S. experienced a series of internet outages. Things got so bad we momentarily surpassed China in productivity. — Conan O’Brien
› Qatar Airways today was named Airline of the Year at the Paris Air Show. While United was named Heavyweight Champion by the WWE. — Seth Meyers
› A child development expert has sued Disney for stealing her idea for the movie “Inside Out.” Disney called the suit ridiculous, then announced their next movie about a child development expert who sues Disney for stealing her idea. — Jimmy Fallon
› Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! — Seth Meyers
› A company has developed a smart duvet, which can control a person’s body temperature. The way it works is, you kick it off. — Seth Meyers
› I want to say congrats to Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who welcomed twins. The doctor said, “It’s a boy and a girl,” and the twins said, “It’s Jay-Z and Beyoncé! Oh, my gosh!” — Jimmy Fallon
› People figured out they had a boy and a girl when they saw light blue and bright pink balloons being delivered. Incidentally, Light Blue and Bright Pink are also the names they’re considering for the babies. — Jimmy Fallon
› The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” — James Corden