Late Night Laughs
AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE
› A new report just came out that says President Trump made $598 million in income last year. It sounds like a lot, but after taxes … it was still $598 million. — Jimmy Fallon
› There have been more legal problems for Donald Trump. One of the president’s lawyers claimed over the weekend that Trump is not under investigation. Which should come as a surprise to Trump, because he tweeted this out a couple of days ago: “I am being investigated.” — James Corden
› Because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein was in on talks about firing Comey, he may need to recuse himself from the Russia probe. He would be the third member of this investigation to be gone, after Attorney General Jeff Sessions and former FBI Director James Comey. It’s all in the latest season of “Survivor: Justice Department Island.” — Stephen Colbert
› The White House is reportedly taking Sean Spicer off of giving press briefings and moving him to a “more senior role focused on strategy.” Which I think is the political version of saying someone’s moving to “a farm upstate.” — Jimmy Fallon
› And with the Russia investigation getting bigger, I read that Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, “Talk to my lawyer.” — Jimmy Fallon
› A new study just came out and it found that after a few months of Donald Trump, most Americans now have a favorable view of President George W. Bush. When reached for comment, the ghost of Richard Nixon said, “Here I come, baby.” — Conan O’Brien
› Mitch McConnell wants to force a Senate vote on health care before July 4, because if there’s one day you want to take away people’s health care, it’s the day when they get drunk and set off fireworks. — Jimmy Fallon
› Today was National Vanilla Milkshake Day. Or as Mike Pence calls it, “Spicy Tuesday!” — Seth Meyers
› In Israel, a court ruled that a religious man cannot force a woman to move seats on an airplane just because he’s afraid of having accidental physical contact with her. It was the landmark case of Israel vs. Mike Pence. — Conan O’Brien
› Now here’s some news from my home country. In her latest speech, Her Majesty the Queen did not mention Donald Trump’s state visit to the U.K., leading some to speculate that it may have been canceled. So apparently two can play this whole travel ban game. — James Corden
› Following losses in two special congressional elections this week, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, “We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center.” Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit, and several people yelled “Bingo!” — Seth Meyers