AMERICANS MICROCHIPPED IN THE LAND OF THE FREE
Just a short time ago, some of us born in the land of the free and the home of the brave were horrified by a sci-fi nightmare that we were told would never, ever happen:
That someday, Americans would eagerly allow their wise corporate masters — and eventually their government overlords — to install computer microchips in their bodies to “help” them.
That future is now at a vending machine development company in Wisconsin.
The company, Three Square Market, will soon hold a “chipping party” for loyal employees who volunteer to have a chip inserted into their hands.
“Eventually, this technology will become standardized, allowing you to use this as your passport, public transit, all purchasing opportunities, etc.,” chief executive Todd Westby said in a statement.
Please don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not upset about this. In fact, I’m overjoyed.
Yes, I admit that I was once sickened by the notion of Americans wanting to be chipped, just as many Americans were once sickened by slavery.
But chipping isn’t exactly slavery, per se, is it? It’s voluntary.
My former opposition to human cyborgs linked to computer networks was most likely the residue of old, now thoroughly discredited ideas.
Ideas like “the primacy of the individual” and “freedom” and “liberty” and other socially awkward concepts generated in a now mostly forgotten place once broadly called the “West.”
But those idiotic notions will soon be gone. America is changing. We’re quickly abandoning old fuddy-duddy notions, and becoming New Americans who don’t mind being herded into doing what’s best for us and our countrypersons. So pro-chip.
Why? For one thing, I don’t want to be shamed as a “science denier” and be mocked by liberals who once thought me “different.”
The benefits of chipping Americans are simply endless. What corporate or political leader wouldn’t want a happy, chipped workforce and happily chipped citizens, so proletariats might be more productive in their daily lives?
If Americans are all implanted with chips, we could control immigration, we could vote more easily, even in the primaries, and our wise masters would know how we voted. Chipping will eventually become the standard, with Republicans and Democrats joining to offer tax incentives to businesses to chip their employers.
According to the Wisconsin company, the chips inserted in their workers will help them open security doors, store personal medical information, log into their computers and more easily purchase snacks.
What’s even nicer, it’s been promised that employers would never use the chips to track workers.
“I wouldn’t mind if I were chipped,” said a lawyer I know. “I’ve already got a phone. And I’ve got nothing to hide.”
The Fourth Amendment? What’s that in comparison to being a part of a team? Not that I’d ever complain about the wise masters chipping me. I too, have nothing to hide. Please don’t hurt me.
A few Wisconsin workers are skeptical about health issues (i.e., foreign objects inserted into their bodies to help them become more efficient) and other nebulous concerns.
But this too shall pass. Naturally, not all will follow eagerly. Some might cling to the old ways. First, the resisters will find themselves unemployed. Then they’ll be ridiculed as deplorable.
Finally, our wise masters will order entertainment and media leaders to poke gentle fun at stubborn Americans who insist on remaining chipless, like so many wild beasts. Such themes will be magnified on social media. We know there’s nothing quite like mockery and public ridicule to convince stubborn people to conform.
And the rest of us will titter at those primitive, chipless fools.
God Bless America. Is there anything we can’t do?