Revealing a very big thing
The most fascinating commercial on television right now is the one for a medicine that will cure “opioid-induced constipation.”
I have to wonder if there could be any other possible way to cure opi- oid-induced consti- pation. If you said, “Stop taking opioids,” boy-oh-boy would you be practicing medicine without a license! Some big pharmaceutical company probably spent half a billion dollars getting this latest wonder drug approved by the FDA, and you want to step on their profits? What are you, a communist?
Of course, practicing medicine WITH a license is where all the opioids are coming from in the first place. No one needs to smuggle these pills into the country. They are being over-prescribed by doctors right here at home. At least we’ve stopped shipping all the drug-lord jobs overseas.
If only constipation were the worst side effect of opioids. While I’ve seen the one about opioid-induced constipation, I must have missed the commercial that ends with, “Ask your doctor if being addicted to opioids is right for you.” After all, there’s a 50/50 chance he’s the one that got you hooked in the first place.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that “opioids (including prescription opioids and heroin) killed more than 33,000 people in 2015, more than any year on record. Nearly half of all opioid overdose deaths involve a prescription.”
Funny, they didn’t even mention the constipation.
Where’s the commercial for the product that will bring back to life the 16,500 people that died of LEGAL opioid use that year? “Ask your doctor if dying is right for you.”
By the way, there is another cure for constipation, and you don’t even need a prescription. You’ll never see it on TV, but its ad would end with, “Ask your doctor if fruits and vegetables are right for you.”
Speaking of drugs, have you ever heard of this stuff called Viagra? Apparently no one has, because they have to advertise it day and night. Either what they’re selling isn’t very good or it adversely affects your memory so that you can’t remember what it is. What else would explain why they have to advertise so much?
Even after watching the commercials hundreds of times, I’m not sure what it does. It seems this guy “Ed” is attracted to much younger, beautiful women who all seem to like him a lot. But I’m not going to ask my doctor if Viagra is right for me. I’m just going to wait until I become elderly and start dating young women, because according to the commercials, that’s what all young women want.
It was announced recently that Viagra would stop advertising during NFL games. I thought maybe Ed stopped watching football, but it turns out that the patent for Viagra is running out. Ed will be able to buy it for pennies soon.
And speaking of bizarre relationship news, have you been to a “gender-reveal party” yet? This is a party where a mom-to-be reveals the sex of her new baby. What? I didn’t know this was a thing. When did we stop just telling people our news and start throwing parties about it? Especially for something like this, which is completely trivial for everyone but the two people involved?
And what exactly are the guests supposed to do at a gender-reveal party? Drink pink wine if it’s a girl and blue wine if it’s a boy? Is blue wine even a thing?
“Ask your doctor if a narcissistic party is right for you.”