Laugh Lines
Consider this
Deep thoughts from a cynical philosopher:
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks, but all mine ever says is goodbye.
You’re not overweight. You’re just easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
Do they just give you a bra and say,
“Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named Sag Harbor.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life is sad.
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty
sure she’s going to get me something. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! The reason Mayberry was so peacefulnobody was and married.quiet was Andy, because Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it’s great for people who like watching sports completely still. “Wow! What a catch — nobody move! Oh, now we’re watching Lifetime.” — Jimmy Fallon
To raise money for Puerto Rico, celebrities have been posting pictures online of themselves from puberty. However, after one look at mine, Puerto Rico said, “Haven’t we been through enough?” — Conan O’Brien
Scientists have figured out how to generate electricity from tears. In fact, they say that soon, 10 percent of our renewable energy will come from people watching “This Is Us.” — Conan O’Brien
There’s talk of including video gamers in future Olympics. Olympic gamers would be treated like all other athletes, except they’d be tested for “performance-enhancing ramen.” — Conan O’Brien
There’s a rumor that the Lakers are trying to sign LeBron James. They’re telling him, “The weather in L.A. is great, plus as a Laker, you get the entire playoff season off.” — Conan O’Brien
This is a real product: Spanx arm tights. You might be familiar with their other name, which is sleeves. Spanx is always coming out with new and exciting body parts for women to feel ashamed of. — Jimmy Kimmel
Former boxing champion George Foreman has challenged former action star Steven Seagal to fight him in the ring. And the winner will be our next president. — Conan O’Brien
In France, someone has installed the first ever “Raw Oyster Vending Machine.” It’s being called innovative by seafood lovers and the best idea ever by bacteria. — Conan O’Brien
O.J. Simpson said that during the nine years he’s been in prison, he hasn’t really changed at all. Then his parole officer said, “Ohhhkay — I guess you’re going back to prison.” — Jimmy Fallon
Google just released a pair of headphones that can translate 40 languages instantly. They say it’s a great way to travel to a new country and find out everyone’s making fun of you. — Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.