Laugh Lines

Fortunes told

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Hazel stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

“Will I be acquitted?”

Closet space

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a jerk; they just came out of the closet.

Double dare

During a party at his Florida mansion, an eccentric millionaire announced that if any man would swim across his swimming pool, home to 20 alligators, then that man would be awarded with either half of the rich man’s property or his beautiful daughter. After a period of silence, there was a sudden splash and the millionaire saw a young man swimming as fast as he could, saving himself from the crocodiles. At last, the young man emerged from the pool, intact.

Everybody started clapping. The rich man was overjoyed with the young man’s bravery. He congratulated him and asked, “What do you want — my property or my daughter?”

The young man replied, “Sir, I want neither. I just want the name of the jerk who pushed me in.”

The Art Collector

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. “Saul, I Lisa Denton have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere from $15 million to $20 million’ and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.

Star turn

A married couple was having a very hypothetical discussion about which stars would play them if, in the unlikely event, Hollywood ever made a movie based on their lives.

“Who would you pick to portray you?” the wife asked the husband.

He thought about it a minute, then answered, “George Clooney.”

“In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.”

Wit and wisdom

Escalators don’t break down. They just turn into stairs.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing … except when you’re at a funeral.

I intend to live forever … or die trying.

We never knew he was a drunk … until he showed up to work sober.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A blind man walks into a bar … and a table and a chair.

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy on crutches. It’s just lame.

I used to be in a band. We were called Lost Dog. You probably saw our posters.

I childproofed the house … but they still get in!

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), but the letters are in alphabetical order, like they’re supposed to be.

Drop in the bucket

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the community swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Current events

James Corden checks in on a new arrival at Animal Adventure Park, a zoo in upstate New York.

YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is way too sexy, the problem is you.

›A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! They’re all nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor’s dog who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates.

›Who watches a giraffe give birth anyway? What is that like? “Oh, I see a head, and now the neck — and neck — and neck — some more neck. Should we check back on this in an hour?”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.