Thoughts to ponder

› Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

› My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

› My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

› Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

› What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter. It’s not going to come.

› I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

› I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

› I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

› Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

› It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall.

› I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in 20 seconds. It’s only three words, but it’s a start.

› Burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature.

› When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation. Almost died in “Finding Nemo.”

› My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him Dav.