Laugh Lines
Silent treatment
After her husband made her mad, a woman decided to give him the silent treatment.
Seven days into it, he announced happily, “Hey, we’ve been getting along pretty well lately.”
Parrot talk
A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquires.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”
“That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots, which I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”
Minion humor
If someone calls you “ugly,” have a good comeback and say, “Excuse me, I’m not a mirror.”
My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said, “At the end of this ruler, there’s an idiot.” I got detention after asking, “Which end?”
Dear haters, I couldn’t help but notice that “awesome” ends with “me,” and “ugly” starts with “u.”
Not sure if I’m sexy and I know it, or I’m ugly and I ignore it.
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
A wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made. So choose your prison mate wisely.
Isn’t it funny how red, white and blue represent freedom … until they’re flashing behind you.
Homework = half of my energy wasted on random knowledge.
I saw people through the window today. That’s enough social interaction.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.
Lazy is a very strong word. I like to call it “selective participation.”
When I was young, I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill, I am scared of the lights.
My room is not dirty. I just have everything on display. Like a museum.
If you are hotter than me, does that make me cooler than you?
Schooled
A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, “Give me all your money, or you’re geography.”
The puzzled teller replies, “Don’t you mean to say ‘or you’re history.’ ”
He says, “Don’t change the subject.”
Already there
Bubba and Earl were enjoying a few beers at the local bar when Bubba pointed to two old drunks sitting across the room and laughed, “Hey, Earl, that’s us in 10 years.”
Earl said, “Bubba, that’s a mirror.”
Bad timing
The worst place to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if the people you are playing with are really bad guessers.
Obvious problem
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when he encountered a sign reading “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck underneath. Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car arrived on the scene. The cop got out of his car, walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Stuck, huh?”
The truck driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
Back up
Foster called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, and I was sitting there fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff. It crashed thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.
“I was taken to a hospital,” he continued. “I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”