Elected leaders keep sinning and spinning
I am blessed to have certain top-secret contacts in high places who are willing to divulge to me secret conversations that most others are unaware of. And so …
“Order, please, let’s bring this meeting to order. We are here this morning to discuss the recent sordid revelations of proven sexual misconduct among our side’s members here in the House and Senate. Remember, the notes of this meeting can never get out, lest the easily duped public turn on us and force us into something entirely beneath us: searching for actual jobs.
“Now, we need to come to a decision as to whether or not this whole messy affair needs to be portrayed as a very good thing or as a very bad thing and how we need to respond to it. This will obviously be determined by the numbers. Fred, what are the numbers as of right now?”
“Bob, the numbers currently stand as follows. Not including instances where misconduct has been alleged and denied and therefore falls under the ‘innocent till proven guilty’ clause, we currently have seven people on our side who are clearly guilty. It’s sad, really; if it weren’t for those pesky cellphone cameras and videos, that number would be much lower.
“The other side, thankfully, is doing even worse than us. They currently have nine that have either been clearly proven guilty or admitted guilt.”
“Excellent, Fred, just excellent! That being the case, our course of action is, I think, obvious. We need to take a very hard line on this and demand that every guilty person resign. That will result in a two-seat gain for us and will tip the balance of power quite nicely.” “Um, Bob?”
“Yes, Chuck, what is it?” “What is to become of those good men on our side who have served our cause for so long?
“Surely we aren’t going to throw them to the wolves over a few ‘minor indiscretions’ are we?”
“Calm down, everyone, calm down, please, stop laughing! Chuck is a bit of a newbie here and doesn’t understand all of the ins and outs of this yet. To answer his question, no, they will not be thrown to the wolves. We will arrange for high-paid public-sector consultant jobs for each of them. That way they can continue to have what they deserve: the ability to live out their lives in luxury on the taxpayer’s dime.
“So are we all agreed? We take a stern line on this, we portray it as an issue of morality, and we even dust off the old verses about adultery and fornication and quote a few of them in public. We do still have a Bible around here somewhere, don’t we? Good, that always comes in handy at times like this.”
“Wait! Wait! Everybody hold everything!”
“Bill! What has gotten into you? What are you rushing in here like a madman for?”
“We have new numbers, Bob, bad ones! Five more men on our side have been proven guilty of sexual misconduct!”
“Five, you say? Folks, that changes everything, I’m afraid. That puts the numbers at 12 on our side to only nine on the other. That results in a threeseat swing the wrong direction if we take a hard line on this. Clearly, we need to change course. Somebody look up that verse for me about ‘not casting stones,’ I think we are going to need it.”
“Excuse me, Bob. Phil here. I have a question that no one seems to be asking. What do we do if people wise up and start voting people out if they do wrong or if they defend those who do wrong?”
“Calm down again, people. Please, must you always laugh so hysterically when someone says something silly? Phil is another newbie. He doesn’t know that both sides of the electorate only pay attention to the D or the R on the jersey. Someone hand him one of those stacks of taxpayers dollars to wipe his worried brow with; that always fixes rookie concerns. Now, where were we?
“Oh yes; looking at the numbers to see how we need to spin this mess.”
Bo Wagner is pastor of Cornerstone Baptist Church of Mooresboro, N.Cl, a widely traveled evangelist and the author of several books available on Amazon and at www. wordofhismouth.com. Email him at 2knowhim@ cbc-web.org.