Laugh Lines
Best one-liners
Let’s ring out 2017 with a look back at Scotland’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival, held in August. One of the comedy features is “Dave’s Funniest Joke of the Fringe,” in which the public decides the funniest one-liner from a judges’ shortlist. Here are this year’s Top 15 vote-getters, as reported by Esquire.
1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” — Ken Cheng
2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” — Frankie Boyle
3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” — Alexei Sayle
4. “I’m looking for the girl-next-door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.” — Lew Fitz
5. “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella.’ But he hesitated.” — Andy Field
6. “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant.” — Mark Simmons
7. “I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” — Jimeoin
8. “I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.” — Ed Byrne
9. “I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died … which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.” — Olaf Falafel
10. “Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences,’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!”’ — Alasdair Beckett-King
11. “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.” — Angela Barnes
12. “As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.” — Adele Cliff
13. “For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it.” —
Phil Wang
14. “I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ark.” — Adam Hess
15. “I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.” — Tim Vine
New Year’s Eve cocktail
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“Always keep a bottle of champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you’ve got a bottle of champagne in the fridge.” — Hester Browne ›
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing. It just let out a little whine. ›
Pessimist: “My glass is half empty.”
Optimist: “My glass is half full.”
Realist: “My glass needs a refill.” ›
The secret of enjoying a good wine:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. If it does not look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth. ›
Painted on a wine glass: Let’s get ready to stumble. ›
When the waiter asks you to try the wine at the table, sniff it, swirl it, sniff it, savor it and then say, “Yep, that should get me hammered!” ›
A husband and wife are sitting at home, quietly sipping wine, when the wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife says, “That’s me … talking to the wine.”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com: ›
There was an 11-hour power outage at the airport in Atlanta yesterday [Dec. 17]. And people were stranded on the tarmac for six hours. Don’t worry, though. Flight attendants came through every hour with a thimble-size cup of room temperature water. — Jimmy Fallon ›
Hundreds of flights were canceled today at the world’s busiest airport in Atlanta due to a massive power outage yesterday. Experts are saying this could lead to as many as 30 texts from your mother. — Seth Meyers ›
A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby from an embryo that was frozen 24 years ago. Which explains why its first word was “Wazzzzzupppppp!” — Seth Meyers
Bible quiz
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A: Ruth-less.
Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. The apostles were all in one Accord. And 2 Corinthians 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: “We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement.”
Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.