Laugh Lines
Or else
A cowboy strolls into town on his horse, Fireball, and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he’s done, he gets up and walks out of the saloon.
He immediately runs back in and yells, “All right! Who took Fireball?”
But nobody makes a noise.
He continues, “OK, I’m gonna give you to the count of three, then we’re gonna have a repeat of what happened back in ‘71.”
“ONE!” He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.
“TWO!” Everybody braces for impending doom.
“Here it comes. THR…” He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, “Wait! It was just a joke, mister. Your horse is right out back. By the way, what’d you do in ‘71?”
The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, “I had to walk home.”
Government at work
Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrapyard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.”
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”
So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?”
So they created the quality-control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”
So they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”
So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an administrative officer, assistant administrative officer and a legal secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year, and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cut back overall cost.”
So they laid off the night watchman.
Premium care
A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig, which appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, “I’m sorry, but your pig is dead.”
The woman is shocked. She yells at the vet, “Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something.”
The vet sighs and heads back to her office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.
The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid five minutes. It then meows loudly and exits the room.
The vet tells the woman, “See, your pig has definitely passed on.” The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.
The woman is again outraged. “You’re charging me $300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?”
The vet replies, “It was only $40 until you made me get a lab report and a cat scan.”
The answer is …
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game.
“All you have to do is ask a question. If I get it wrong or don’t know the answer, I give you $5. Then I ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you pay me $5.”
“No,” she says, “I just want to sleep.”
He keeps asking, and she finally gives in when he changes the terms. He says if he gets an answer wrong, he will pay her $500, but she still only has to pay $5.
“What is the distance from the Earth to the moon?” he asks.
She gives him $5. “What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?” she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn’t got an answer, he hands her $500.
Then he asks her, “So what is the answer?”
She hands him $5.
Snow plows
A husband and wife are sitting inside by the fire when the radio announcer comes on. “We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight,” he says. “Please make sure you are parked on the even-numbered side of the road.”
The wife goes out and moves her car.
The next day, the same thing happens, and the announcer comes on. “We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight. Please make sure you are parked on the odd-numbered side of the road.”
The wife goes out and moves her car.
A few days later, the same thing happens, and the announcer comes on. “We are expecting up to 2 feet of snow tonight. Please make sure you are parked on the … ” Suddenly, the power goes out in the middle of the announcement.
The wife freaks out, “Which side do I put my car on?!”
Her husband says, “How about we just leave the car in the garage this time?”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
› In technology news, the organization that oversees emojis has changed the lobster emoji after people in Maine complained that it didn’t have the correct number of legs! Now every time I text someone about lobsters I don’t have to type the word “Lobster emoji plus two extra legs.” It’s a lifesaver. — James Corden
When they heard about this, lobsters were like “Thanks for fixing the emoji, but while you’re at it, can you stop boiling us?” — James Corden
Laugh Lines is compiled from several sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.