Laugh Lines
Grammar outing
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
A question mark walks into a bar?
Two quotation marks “walk into” a bar.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A synonym ambles into a pub.
A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A period walks into a bar and makes a full stop.
Fun with paper
A guy who’s new to the neighborhood says to his neighbor, “You live directly above me and have the same two-room condo as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” says the neighbor.
Two months later, the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny — I put the wallpaper up, and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
Two sides
Pessimist: Things just can’t get any worse.
Optimist: Of course they can!
Sweet nothings
A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other.
A man sits down next to him and says, “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you, boy.”
The boy replies, “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks, “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”
The boy answers, “He became so old because he minded his own business.”
Grass is greener
Two men are discussing their lives.
One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes and no clothes to wear.”
The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”
Secret equation
Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
“Avengers: Infinity War” pulled in $640 million worldwide. That works out to a million dollars for each superhero in the movie. — Conan O’Brien
Kanye West is under fire for an interview with TMZ where he described slavery as “a choice.” You know, it’s never a good sign when the moral high ground in a room is held by the people of TMZ. — Conan O’Brien
Kanye fired his manager this week, and tweeted, “I can’t be managed.” Then Kim [Kardashian] was like, “Stop tweeting and come in here.” He was like, “Yes, dear.” — Jimmy Fallon
A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to exercise, lose weight and not drink too much. To which all of America replied, “What else you got?” — Conan O’Brien
A new study found that one in four Americans said they would have sex with a robot at least once just to try it. Which might explain why your Roomba won’t come out from under the couch. — Seth Meyers
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says he is planning to spend the majority of his fortune getting himself into space. He said, “I’ve seen what you people buy, and I don’t want to be near you.” — Conan O’Brien
Founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that Facebook has developed a new dating platform and promises the site is not for hookups and will not connect people already listed as friends. So get ready to swipe left on your mom. — Seth Meyers
A member of the band Journey said “Don’t Stop Believing” was inspired by the time he borrowed money from his dad to pay his dog’s vet bill. Apparently, the dog was hit by a midnight train goin’ anywhere. — Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.