Shared misery base of friendship
DEAR ABBY: I lost my husband of 45 years three years ago. My longtime friend, “Grace,” was very supportive and included me in family dinners and outings so I wouldn’t be alone. A year ago, I moved away to start a new life for myself. Grace still lives in the same town and is still married to a verbally abusive, depressed husband. She told me once that she envied my freedom, but not how I got it.
I have met a wonderful man. We are in love and will see where it goes. When I talk to or see Grace, she never asks about my life or what I am doing. She vents at length about her husband, her marriage and other things in her life.
I think she liked it when I was miserable, too. Now that I’m happy, I don’t really want to see Grace anymore. She’s using me as someone she can unload on, and in my opinion, that’s not friendly. What should I do? Keep avoiding her? I don’t want to confront her, but if I need to, I would like to do it in the best way. — MOVING ON
DEAR MOVING: I don’t think you should “confront” Grace either, but avoiding her isn’t the answer. Have an honest, nonconfrontational talk with her. Tell her you are concerned that she is so unhappy. Explain that
the amount of venting she’s doing is creating a wedge between you and she needs to make some important decisions about her life and her marriage.
I don’t know how economically dependent Grace is on her husband, but it might help her self-esteem to find a job. If she’s unable or unwilling to do that, she’ll have to decide if this is how she wants to spend the rest of her life or discuss her options with an attorney.